Monday, June 24, 2013

Senior relationships -- the October kind -- do you believe in Geriatric Adolescence?

October relationships---the ones I write about---are very different than the March and April connections we once pursued so eagerly. Heck, if you’re an “October” you don’t need me to tell you that. To begin with, you can probably set aside the obvious difference in hormone levels---nature’s sneaky and very effective way of continuing the species. For most of us, by the time we reach our October Years other matters have become primary. 

Of course, the most fortunate of us remain in a satisfying, time-tested relationship. That’s where I am, and very glad of it. But too many of my Tanner friends are alone, even isolated. For some of those folks that's exactly where they want to be. They have no interest in a new relationship. But for others, like the ones I depict in the Tanner Chronicles, the need for companionship and affirmation have taken on a new importance. In that case, they have become candidates for my stories.

On the surface those in that “seeking” mode might appear to be replaying an earlier experience---one that perhaps began as a teenager. Yet the reality of their new and slightly disorienting "geriatric adolescence" is not at all like the first time. For one thing, the measure of a prospective partner has changed. Appearance, status, income, even sex appeal, have become less important. In their new circumstances the comfort of a caring companion---someone willing to show that he or she understands what a “special” person you are---means everything. It's that undisguised affection and caring that really matters.

Case in point. Johnny Blanton is one of my very favorite people---at least of the Tanner seniors I have imagined into being. In Best Friends and Promises he has left the hospital to move in with Jan Pierce, a lonely and very caring librarian. Truth be told, Jan hardly qualifies as an old friend. They first met less than twenty-four hours before Johnny’s latest heart attack. Yet she has invited him to spend his recuperation with her.

Watching Darien walk away, Jan Pierce was trying to make sense of the sudden and dramatic changes in her normally pedestrian life. She had always thought of herself as stable, to the point of boring---given to cautious expectations, cautious deliberations, and cautious actions. An impulsive one-night affair was not her style, any more than inviting a man she scarcely knew to share her home. Why then was she feeling so comfortable, so committed to her unlikely choice?
Truth to tell, she was not accustomed to having a man in her life. She had not been a cute baby and had never grown into that condition. From her perspective the only constant in her life had been weight, too much of it. She had never married. As far as she knew, no man had ever considered proposing. Over the years there had been a few casual liaisons, including one that lasted for several months, largely because she had been willing to settle for the minimal security it offered. 
Then, just days before, in the course of a single night, a worn-out Johnny Blanton had accepted her caring as something special. Later, during his days in the hospital, as she waited to learn whether he would live or die, she had felt that caring grow.
Now, back in the apartment Johnny was sitting at the end of the sofa when Jan returned. He patted the cushion beside him and nodded for her to join him. “You know, I really appreciate this,” he said. “Letting me stay here. I’m not sure what I can offer to make all the trouble worthwhile.”
“Just be yourself. That’s all.” Resting her hand on his knee she leaned against his shoulder. “We’re much too old to be playing silly games. I want you here. That’s enough reason for me. Besides, it’s not like I’ve ever had men chasing after me.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“You should. The thing is, from the first time we talked, about my scotch-on-the-rocks of all things, it was like I was talking to an old friend. It just felt right. Besides, I like being able to help. It’s been a long time since anyone needed my help.” 
“You’d better believe I need you and your help. And not just because I’m feeling so puny.”
She looked over into his deep set, weary eyes. “So tell me, Mr. Blanton. Why does this work for you?”
“To begin with, I’ve never been very good at being alone.” How blunt should he be? “But, at the same time, I’m not everyone’s idea of good company.”
“Why would that be? What’s not to appreciate? Is there something I should know.”
“Oh my, how can I describe it?” Was there a polite way to explain, in words that would not be graphically offensive? “I’ve been called ‘undisciplined’ and a 'free spirit.’ To some folks I’m a ‘loose cannon.’ And there are other descriptions I can’t repeat in mixed company. All that stuff is pretty negative, but I suppose it’s partly true. The thing is, I’ve never cared much what people thought of me.
“But there’s another side to that,” he continued, taking her hand in his. “The part I want you to know about. When I’m on your side I’m there one hundred percent, no matter what. That’s something you should know. I’ll be here for you in any way I can.” There was a moment of quiet as he searched for a way to spell out his final concern. “And there is something else.”
“What’s that?” 
Jan had never before witnessed Johnny’s obvious, almost blushing embarrassment. “You may have noticed,” he said. “Based on one night’s experience, that I’m no longer the youthful love-machine my mind tells me I once was.” There, was that subtle enough? Had he made his point?
Jan stifled her own laugh and poked playfully at his ribs. “Do you recall hearing any complaints?” 
“You were very kind not to bring that up. The thing is, my situation has changed a bit since then. For the worse, I’m afraid.”
“Well, after a heart attack, I should think so.”
“When we were kids we used to joke about wanting to die making love. If you had to go, that sounded like the best way. Just so you know, that is no longer my goal.” He paused to let her soft laugh wash over him. It was the best tonic he could imagine. “I just don’t want to misrepresent my reasons for moving in.”
Jan wrapped her fragile old man in a most affectionate hug. “Don’t you ever worry about that. I want you here with me. You want to be here. What other reasons do we need?” 
Indeed, Johnny was weak and tired. She was right about that. But in the midst of his weariness, he felt the pleasant knowing that he was wanted. For him, that meant he was exactly where he belonged.

There you are, my friend. If you happen to be one of those seniors in search of your own relationship I hope you’ll remember to set aside those “April” qualifiers and focus instead on October attributes. In fact, I could do worse than suggest you look for a Jan Pierce or Johnny Blanton.

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