THE ROAD TO BECOMING THE PERSON WE ARE

I have mentioned that project before in these pages……the nearly 400 page memoir I subtitled ……My Bumpy Road to Growing Up. I remember encouraging my October/November readers (You know who you are.) to consider assembling their own personal life account, for themselves and their families. 

In order for Amazon/KDP to print the book I had to offer it for sale on my Amazon Author’s Page. Truth was, I did not want to do that. After all, it was the most personal writing I had ever attempted, and remains so today.

But I did that. I offered the book for sale at $47.50……and no one bought it. Mission accomplished.

Yet here I am, revisiting the notion of a ‘life story,’ hoping to use a somewhat different means of promoting that idea. This time I plan to spend more than one post to explain my intent. It will take two, three, or more installments……beginning with what follows - - Chapter 1 - Why Tell This Story. 

I encourage you to read it with an eye toward how the ‘life story’ questions I ask apply to you and your own story. With that, let’s see what I had to say

                 CHAPTER 1 - WHY TELL THIS STORY?

There are dozens of reasons to explore one’s life, and dozens of ways to approach that process. Beyond those matters of motivation and technique lies the most fundamental question of all. Why do I feel called to tell my story?

As I set out on this journey I have at least three reasons in mind. Chances are I will find others along the way. For now, however, I will be seeking these answers. 1) Why did I choose not to concentrate on the opportunities I was gifted as a young man? 2) Why did I instead settle for my own ‘road less traveled’ and a more satisfying form of success? 3) And, how was I lucky enough to win the lady who would put up with all my foolishness, and provide a helping hand in my search?

Fact is I want to know more about what made me the ‘me’ I have become. In the process I will be retelling and perhaps even reliving bits of my life in hopes of gaining insight. To be sure, this will be the most personal writing I have ever attempted. And most importantly, I am doing it to satisfy myself, no one else.

It is high time to face this life of mine head on and see where my thoughts take me. Hopefully I can confirm that ‘satisfaction’ and ‘fulfillment’ are not prizes to be found in the world of ‘things,’ but are instead products of soul-deep expectations we cultivate in the course of a lifetime.

I won’t pretend to address every detail of my long life. Instead I want to gather the recollections that stand out to me, whether or not their importance is obvious to a casual reader. It is that hopeful gathering of long-dormant memories and emotions that has drawn me toward this telling. 

I know there are intuitions and aspirations, anxieties and injuries that inhabit the inner ‘me,’ like ghosts of times past. I want to know more about those invisible specters. What should they mean to me? How are they connected to the person I have become? How do those long-ago episodes, perhaps insignificant at the time, relate to the answers I am still seeking at this advanced stage of life?

Have you ever wondered how seemingly-minor, often-momentary events are able to create such lasting subconscious associations? You and I live daily with hopes and anxieties that confirm the significance of long-past events. 

Are those yearnings and apprehensions real? Are they the basis of a fruitful life? Or simply illusions, unsafe to lean on in the heat of life-stressing situations? And where do all those questions come from? 

More to the point, why is my eighty-three (now 88) year old mind still seeking those answers? Surely by this time of life I should have learned to live with my accumulated doubts and uncertainty. Why haven’t I created more satisfying answers by now? Surely most people my age have managed that.

In the course of a lifetime all of us construct explanations that we rely on to create our ways of coping. Some of that logic may be shaky, barely able to hide the dysfunction it is meant to address. Some of it is more productive. I would like to know more about the ‘answers’ I have fashioned on my life journey. Which ones created real resolution? Which ones simply shielded me from the reality of unwelcome questions?

My search for personal answers, the strongest motivation of this exploration, may not make sense to anyone else. The drama and emotion of my seeking may be real only to me. Chances are an outsider will consider my questioning asides strange at best, occasionally humorous, and perhaps at times the work of a deranged mind.

For the most part my life answers have been adequate. They have allowed me to deal with the situations at hand, if not always well. Some questions that required an answer in an earlier time have ceased to be an issue for me. And, of course, there have been times when my answers were simply wrong and unproductive. 

Like you, I have spent a lifetime trying to create satisfactory responses to life’s challenges. In the process I have reached the supposed calm and quiet of retirement……yet there are questions that still remain.

Will this telling of my story, help me find those answers? How can I know that at the beginning? Ask me again when we reach the end. In the meantime why not join me on the bumpy road to my Becoming.

**************

With that, I hope you will join me for the next installment of exploring a Life Story……..I’m guessing that you will find meaning in the process.

A ROAD LESS TRAVELED

Is this what “Make America Great Again” really looks like? Let’s take moment to look a little deeper.

Here we are, embarking on a frantic new path……with new leaders and new directions. Set aside for a moment your personal Trump feelings ……be they adoration or disgust. (There seems to be little middle ground.) Instead, concentrate on where this path we have chosen for ourselves may take us. (Let’s not forget that our entire population, all of us, had a part in making that choice.)

As hard as it might be to imagine, let’s focus on circumstances that might produce a degree of agreement among our citizens. For instance, I am guessing that most of us believe that our great nation ought to face up to its nagging debt problems, both public and private. Beyond that we ought to rein in the cost of living, and bring a living wage and adequate housing to more of our people.

Assuming that we could agree on those broad objectives, are tariffs, deportations, and removal of government agencies the way to accomplish those goals? I don’t know. Truth is, no matter what I think of our new leadership at this early stage of the game I am not smart enough to know what will work and what won’t.

So let’s start at the beginning. Are there things that ought to change? We have already noted a few possibilities. Beyond those broad goals, who among us would be surprised to learn there is some level of fraud and corruption embedded in our multi-trillion dollar government……things that ought to be weeded out? I for one take that as a given.

But now the question is……will this new team of intrepid corruption fighters solve any of those problems, or simply plant a new crop of ‘bad seeds’ in the dirt they have uncovered? Again, I don’t pretend to have those answers, but you know what they say about history repeating itself.

If you are like me you have spent a lifetime, perhaps a long lifetime, observing our government in action……how it worked, and how it impacted its citizens. Though the names and faces kept changing, the way things were done was usually quite predictable. 

But now……perhaps for once in our lifetime……it feels like everything is changing. We seem to be setting off on a road less traveled. You and I may judge the results as better or worse, but they are definitely different. What are we to make of that?

Rather than judging our new leader by his personal traits, what he says, and who he brings to his team……may I suggest that the minimum test we ought to hold him and his government to is their ability to address and achieve the goals that most all of his constituents accept as desirable outcomes for a UNITED States of America.

So how shall we gauge the efforts of these new ‘crime fighters’? I suppose there are many ways to measure governmental results. But rather getting bogged down in ‘government babble-speak’ I would suggest that we take a moment to note some of the societal ills that most of us, on either side of the aisle, would like to see addressed…..things like the following: (In no particular order.)

• Contain inflation
• Strengthen necessary social support systems
• Help unite our divided population
• Avoid mass layoffs
• Increase the minimum wage, which has been $7.25 since 2009
• Deal with housing & rental costs 
• Institute a fair and orderly immigration/asylum system
• Assure Social Security and Medicare programs
• Plus any others items on your personal list.

It seems to me that is how he ought to be judged. That is what we deserve.

TOO OLD TO BE BOLD?

I have told the story before on these pages……of the night, just days before her passing, when in the darkness of our living room the two of us sat in adjoining recliners. It was there that Roma Joy, the lady with whom I had spent sixty-seven years trying to make sense of life, squeezed my hand, smiled her magical smile, and calmly made her point.

“You know,” she began. “I am really glad it is working out the way it is……with me being the first to go.”

I don’t remember what I said in the awkward moment, or if I said anything at all. In any case, she was not through.

“I know that I couldn’t go on alone,” she continued. “I just couldn’t do that. But you can. You will be able to carry on. That is what you will have to do……'carry on' for you and the kids.”

So it was, with those few words……followed by minutes of thoughtful silence ……that sweet lady had spelled out my late-life commission…… raising questions I have yet to answer, though I know I must keep on trying.

Lest I forget, let me state right here that Roma was (and is) a strong soul. I have no doubt that she could have ‘carried on’ just fine. That, however,  was not the way things worked out. Instead, I was the one left to carry on, facing a late-life future……the kind that has always been trying, and in some ways has become increasingly so in out modern world.

I hope you will consider today’s October Years post as a message from all of us who look ahead to what feels like an increasingly limited future, asking ourselves how we are meant to make the most of it.

I invite you to join me on the walk that many of us late-lifers walk every day……a stroll that begins with the question……”How can I walk these last miles alone, without her help?” How can I overcome the ‘alone’ part of my circumstances?

I will admit that has become a subject of continuing conversation……if only with myself and her. In the beginning it was meant to be a wider, ongoing dialogue ……hopefully with others joining in along the way. 

Though any one of these October Years posts is likely to reach one hundred or more readers, truth to tell, I am lucky if one or two of those folks actually join the conversation via the ‘Comments’ option. Still, when it feels like I have have something to say I will keep talking to myself.

I have made my share of mistakes in the course of my eighty-eight years. Just this morning as I lay in bed (a misnomer…since I sleep in my recliner) I was replaying some of those remembered miscues ……ones that will not let themselves be forgotten. Though I may have cringed a bit, I was also laughing at how stupid I had sometimes been in my glory days. I take it to be a good sign that I can see the humor in those missteps.

But before I get too far off track let me return to the point I want to make. On average we (all of us) are living longer. Though divorce is common in many cultures, it is also true that marriages are lasting longer. I consider that a blessing……which comes with its own downside. Folks like you and me are becoming widows and widowers at an older age……left to face late-life without the enabling support of a life-partner……having to ‘carry on’ in a too-often lonely and isolated world.

Many of us decided years ago that we would not allow ourselves to end up in some sort of ‘senior care facility’……the ‘old folks warehouses’ we have long dreaded. I count myself among those hold outs.

Yet the folks I know who have taken that ‘senior facility’ route……no matter how reluctantly……have invariably gained a social environment that was too often missing in their ‘pre-warehouse’ life.

As you might have guessed by now, when I spend my too-lonely late-life hours dwelling at length on how to use the time I am allotted, the result is likely to have me rehashing my thoughts with Roma, creating extended conversations, something more than our daily visits.

Then, if the topic is urgent enough, there will be a few days, and semi-sleepless nights, assembling those thoughts, putting them on paper, replaying them for her, and finally posting them in these pages.

Of course I am hoping that my ramblings will be read, and even ‘Commented’ on, yet by the time they appear on this site the process will have served it purpose for me……recording my thoughts and taking part in our ongoing dialogue.

So go figure. Try to make sense of it. I am the guy who spent an October decade writing self-published Geriatric Adolescence books, a dozen of them, about fellows who were looking for a late-life ‘second chance.’ 

It was only after Roma’s exit that I wondered if those stories were the reason she thought I would be able to ‘carry on’ in her absence. If so she was wrong. Because by then I had realized that I was not a ‘second chance’ kind of guy.

When I pause to consider the stories I wrote, and what drove the late-life ‘seekers’ I depicted, I realize that their actions called for a special sort of boldness. One of the books was actually title October Bold.

But ‘bold’ is a relative term. My ‘bold’ may not look ‘bold’ to you. In the course of the last couple years I have come to understand that a handful of ongoing email/phone conversations suit me just fine, providing all the ‘boldness’ I was looking for.

When I finally realized that approach worked for me my natural instinct was to write a modest little book making that point. Turned out that Geriatric Adolescence managed to define the ‘bold’ that fits me. 

Looking back, it seems like a late-life 'to-do' list ought to include taking the time to consider with feels like 'bold' to you in your October/November circumstances. Good luck with that.

SOME HABITS ARE HARD TO BREAK

 It is sometimes a challenge, trying not to repeat myself in these late-life blog offerings. Still, in the course of nearly 300 posts that has occasionally happened……and it will happen again today. And why not, if that is where my aging mind leads me.

Case in point……today’s return to the wonders of ‘Remembering’ was triggered by our family’s recent Christmas Eve gathering, and the simple, but revealing game my daughter and daughters-in-law had us play. With the thirteen or fourteen of us gathered in the living room, our instructions were not at all complicated……one by one we were instructed to ”Describe your earliest memories of Christmas.”

It took a while, and a few stumbling starts, for each of us to follow our thoughts back to those memorable moments. Truth to tell, our responses ranged from humorous to poignant. But each of us, in our own way, was able to trace their way back to some special Christmas memory.

Later that evening my thoughts returned to that brief exercise, moving from those Christmas related memories to some of the other special recollections I have accumulated in the course of my years, and stored away in my sometimes fallible memory bank. 

Truth to tell, there are days when it seems that a sizable portion of my 'home-alone-all-day' hours are spent visiting, even reliving, some of the experiences that have delivered me to this point in my life journey. Seems to me that comes with the territory. After all, if you are like me you are blessed with a lot more ‘past’ than ‘future.’

Besides, in the days of our youth, before videos and a camera in every pocket, it was those memories passed down from one stage of life to the next that documented our personal histories. Now days it seems that once-reliable memory chain is not as functional as it used to be.

That seems to me a shame. After all, among other things ‘remembering’ is an effective way of conserving energy. ‘Doing,’or ‘redoing’ some of those things that were so special in their day is probably out of the question given my present physical capabilities. I know for sure that my eighty-eight year old body isn’t up to doing a lot of I remember.

Yet my octogenarian mind is usually able to reconstruct, replay, even relive many of those youthful adventures. Better yet, with a modest bit of editing I am sometimes able to inject a greater sense of satisfaction and accomplishment than I remember having the first time around.

Of course, there will moments of contradiction. To be sure those memories were born of reality…..at least as we experienced it. But even the most realistic bits of reality can gather new meaning over the years……reshaping and reemphasizing the original event……helping those moments fit more comfortably into the personal history we may have occasionally reedited to suit our needs.

Then there are those times when we must deal with a situation that reminds us of something we have faced before……only to realize that today’s responses, in today’s context, are no longer within reach, not the way they once were. Things have changed, and a changing world requires flexible reactions. Which has me wondering……how flexible is my memory?

Still, why shouldn’t we make ‘remembering’ a habit? If you are like me, dragging decades of memories behind you……some of them good, some not-so-good……why not revisit the lessons we learned along the way, especially the ones we wished we had learned better the first time.

It seems to me that our own memory profiles, the way we mark our path through life, are as uniquely personal as our fingerprints……a one-of-a-kind blend of experienced events, ideas, and persons that is ours alone ……always close at hand, ready to be revisited.

And beyond the emotional satisfaction of reliving good times, if you are one of those who believe that your earthly journey is meant to have a purpose, perhaps a review of the memories you have filed away over the the years will provide reminders of where your path was intended to lead.

In closing, I for one will remember 2024 for many reasons. Those twelve up-and-down months added their own input to my overflowing memory files. Still, I must confess that I am not too interested I reliving those often chaotic days. Instead, I will try to retrieve the memories worth saving, and move on toward the future. 

What say you? Does 'remembering' help you deal with the world we face each morning?

WHAT IF 'LOVE' DOESN'T WORK FOR ME?

It is the Christmas season, a spiritually significant time for many folks……a time that celebrates the comforting, even theological notion of ‘Love.’

Here’s hoping I can say what I want to say without offending too many folks. You see, I’ve been wondering about the times when that word,“Love, doesn’t seem to say what we mean? At least in my mind there are times when that single syllable, the one we throw around so carelessly, just doesn’t work?

But let’s begin with an even more obvious question. “What gives me of all people the right to sound like I know what I am talking about?”

And the only answer I can offer is that somewhere along the way I realized that I have too often settled for the easy way out……those times when I have simply nodded my agreement with someone’s ‘Love’ statement and carried on.

So what does that have to do with anything? Let’s see if I can explain. I’ll begin with the fact that in today’s world many of our most ‘American’ Americans like to proclaim that we are a Christian nation……or at least we were in the beginning. Though I am not here to debate that claim, I do sometimes wonder what that means to those folks.

So it was, when I turned to what I had been taught as a youngster is a pillar of that Christian faith……The Sermon on the Mount……I found myself bumping into an unexpected theological question. 

What if the Biblically provided words of Matthew’s Gospel don’t seem sufficient when measured by today’s language usage? Is paraphrasing the Divine allowed? Is it okay to dig a little deeper?

You see, they don’t exactly work for me……those “Love your neighbor, Love your enemy” instructions the Sermon preaches. I don’t suppose I ought to admit that, but that is how it seems to me.

And the problem I have is with that single word……”Love.”……It seems to me such an imprecise, awkward, often misused word……one that apparently means different things to different people.

In today’s world we speak of “Loving our spouse,” or ‘Loving’ a beautiful sunset. I can even “Love my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.” Fact is, in its present usage that single word is so imprecise, so overused. It can mean so many things. 

So what did the biblical Jesus have in mind when his sermon told us to “Love our enemy”? Fortunately, he took the time to offer several examples of what that ‘Love’ meant to Him, and how it ought to be lived out……in a life of compassion, selflessness, and caring for the poor and marginalized.

That has me wondering what today’s True Believers, the proud sponsors of a ‘new direction’ for our nation, are stressing when they claim to “Love their enemy”?

I’m guessing that at one time or another each of us has been told, “Say what you really mean.” Chances are we have told our own children they can prove what is important to them by what they “do,” rather than what they “say.” “If you believe it, let if show in your actions.”

In the end, reciting “Love your neighbor, Love your enemy,” tells the world less about what you believe than the way you live out that ‘Love.’ 

We prove our ‘Love’ by acting out our caring in a caring way……by being aware of those ‘other persons’ and their needs……showing empathy……feeling their trials……wanting the best for them……in ways that Jesus’ sermon led us beyond the “Love’ words, by urging us to ‘walk the walk.’

Which brings me back to my personal inability to passively accept ‘Love’ as a sufficient way to label the behavior expected of me. ‘Love’ is a word to be lived, not simply spoken.

When all is said and done I am left with a pair of overriding questions. 

Is today’s ‘Christian Nation’……which claims to be leading us into a new MAGA-inspired future ……committed to the cause of ‘living out’ the ‘Love’  that Jesus spoke of......the compassion, and caring for the poor and marginalized that he expects of us? 

Is our new administration, with its ‘Retribution’ rhetoric, the one the American people have chosen for themselves, and which that ‘Christian Nation’ has so loyally supported, willing to ‘Walk His walk,” putting people ahead of power and profits?

I pray that they are.

about the times when “Love”

Ain’t 

AzAAAin’t