A MATTER OF CREATION

In my twelve years of blogging I have reviewed/recommended a handful of books by authors who dealt with life, especially late-life, in ways that made sense to me. In my tired old eyes today’s candidate fits that description in many ways……though truth to tell it may not fit everyone’s notion of ‘spiritual reality.’ You see, this fellow claims to be recording his literal visits with God.

Conversations With God, by Neale Donald Walsch, has been around for years, read worldwide in several language. Yet I will admit I had never heard of it until recently.

Rest assured, I am not here to sell Mr. Walsch’s grandiose claims. That is his job to do. But I will definitely endorse a couple bits of his spiritual logic……insights I found helpful in dealing with the toxic moods that sometimes overtake me.

One of the most insightful bits of wisdom Walsch’s God has to offer in the course of their conversation felt like something I needed to hear. Let’s see if it resonants with you. 

When you are old like me, too often alone in the world after sixty-seven years of loving companionship, and occasionally depressed by that sense of ‘aloneness,’ you may find yourself wondering what life has waiting for you in your remaining years. What good can come from the fragile person I have become? At that point it seems to be your task to discover the future that lies in wait.

Surprisingly, the God who speaks from these pages points out that such a search is bound to fail……that we would be seeking the wrong answers. Instead of “hoping to deal with whatever future awaits us,” this God says we should be setting out to create (actually co-create) the life that works for us. When all is said and done that is our role……co-creating the life and  future that reflects the person we believe we are meant to be.

That struck me as true……like something I needed to understand. More than that it goes hand in hand with another bit of ‘Godly’ advice offered to Walsch, a possibility that seemed to address what had taken too-great a hold on my late-life.

Conversations With God speaks of two kinds of energy that propel us along our life path……the energy of Love, and the energy of Fear. As I read on it seemed to me that in a world awash with fearful energy I need to direct my energies toward the Loving sort……the kind that promotes and leads to loving outcomes.

It is a reality I can accept. Our job is not to endure the depressing loneliness. It is not to ‘discover’ what life has in store for us. Instead, we are meant to co-create a life that overcomes the loneliness. Living in that God-space allows events to become blessings, instead of trials.

When I feel alone and lonely it is so easy for negative, fear-based energy to take hold of my thoughts. At times like that it is important to find a way beyond that depressing funk, to summon a Loving-based, positive energy……to chase away the fear and make room for love.

It seems that in those moments……when the sense of being alone is so strong……I need to invite the Divine into my life, bringing an infusion of the Love energy to overcome the Fear energy.

In light of that, and in the name of limiting negative energy in my life, I have decided that I ought to limit my exposure to the murky state of our political landscape. I need to have an idea of what is going on in the world, without being overwhelmed by the depressing news that threatens to displace the Love energy I seek.

Finally, be aware that the God whom Mr. Walsch claims to channel often quotes Christian scripture, even while admitting that It's ‘truth’ does not always agree with the spiritual reality many of us have lived for a lifetime. Still, if you are one of those who is willing to learn more about it I recommend Conversations With God as a worthwhile read.

For me it was one of those life events that happened to show up at just the right time. Coincidence? It did not feel that way.

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I will end this post with a bit of unexpected news.

I recently received word that this October Years blog had been selected by Feedspot.com as one of the Top 100 Senior Blogs on the web. 

Truth is I am not familiar with Feedspot.com, and don't know how they make their selections. Actually, I am not sure there are 100 senior blogs out there. Still, I am pleased to accept their news as a part of the Loving future I hope to create.

See you next time.

WHAT DOES THAT 'DOT' SAY ABOUT YOU?

A few weeks ago I addressed my life story on these pages, including the beginning chapter of my 'so-called' memoir. Today I am here to continue what I hope some of you will consider a review of your own life journey.

In my tired old eyes the introductory quotations I used back then still apply.

“An unexamined life is not worth living”

            Socrates

“Only as we look back at the course our footprints have traced do we finally understand how we have read life’s inkblot"

    Huston Smith

Returning now to our “Connect The Dots" exercise, looking for reasons to justify the time and mental effort it would require, I borrowed three brief passages from that first chapter of In Retrospect - My Bumpy Road to Growing Up. Let’s see if they resonate with you.

“It is high time to face this life of mine head on and see where that takes me. I won’t pretend to address every detail of my long life, but instead gather recollections of long-dormant memories and emotions I have generated along the way.”

“I know there are intuitions, aspirations, anxieties, and injuries that inhabit the inner ‘me’ like ghosts of times past. How are those long-ago episodes, often insignificant at the time, connected to the person I have come to be?”

“Like you, I have spent a lifetime trying to create satisfactory responses to life challenges. Will revisiting my story help me find those answers? Ask me again when I reach the end.”

So……does that sound like the starting point for a worthwhile journey, especially if you have reached your October or November years? If so, I hope you will join me now for Step 2 of Connecting the Dots.

Last week’s post was devoted to ‘Finding the Dots’……identifying those moments or events that have marked your path to Now, some of the things that have made your life what it has been. Hopefully you have generated one or more ‘Dots’ that we can use for Step 2.

Having settled on one of those Dots, our next step is to provide a narrative of that moment’s context……an overview of your world at that point, with as much detail as you are able or willing to provide about what made that event important, worthy of ‘Dot’ status. What happened then? Did something in your life change? Did you learn a lesson? Who else lived that moment with you?

Speaking for myself, those ‘Dot’ explanations ranged from a few paragraphs to several pages……depending on my willingness to provide a detailed analysis of what was happening.

Finally, once I had explained the who, what, how, and why of that event I ended that ‘Dot’ entry with a summary, in italics, of how I thought that episode had impacted my Becoming. What made it an important moment in my life?

With that you have created a rough draft of a ‘Dot’ that is ready to be 'connected.' Our next post will try to wrap all that together……not in a book (unless you want it to be), but a three-ring binder of the Dots that have traced your life.

As an example of what a finished 'Dot' might look like I am attaching below one of the shorter ‘Dots’ from my own story.

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                    WALLER STREET

In September, 1943 I had entered the first grade at Liberty School. That little hamlet was quite proud of its relatively new and enlarged school. It was a square, white two-story building, with four classrooms….grades one through four the in two first floor rooms, and five through eight in the two upstairs rooms. The school sat in front of a grove of tall firs. On the south side of the building was a large play field, and on the north side of the recently completed gymnasium/Community Hall.

The Liberty community, with its sprawling orchards, imposing prune-drying sheds, and busy cannery, was the prototype of good country life in those trying war years. The school, small and community-centered, was an ideal place for a young country boy to become acquainted with schooling and the business of growing up. I still have occasional wonderings of  “what if” I had been able to stay there through grade school.

In early 1942, with the burgeoning defense industries offering thousands of new, high-paying jobs, Dad left Safeway and signed on at the Kaiser Shipyards in Vancouver, Washington. Every day the company bussed hundreds of workers to the shipyards from as far south as Eugene. It was on those daily bus trips that a Dad first met Bob Hawkins.

Sometime in the winter of 1942-43 both Dad and Bob left the shipyards, and the long daily bus rides, and were hired by the Keith Brown woodworking plant in Salem, making cabinets for the new Army base at Camp Adair, near Corvallis. During those early war years Dad qualified for a draft deferment because he worked in a defense-related industry. By the summer of 1943, however, the need for increased military manpower put an end to his deferment. Morse Stewart was about to go to war.

The official greetings from Uncle Sam must have arrived late that summer. I have no memory of being aware that he was about to leave. By then Mom and Dad had decided that Mom and we boys could not manage alone on the farm. Mom would have to return to work. That meant moving us to Salem, where she could take the bus to work in those gas-rationed days. Arrangements were made for our family to move in with my Grandpa Stewart in Four Corners, east of Salem, until a home could be found in town.

After having survived the shock of being left behind when my family moved, I began a period of two or three weeks during which I commuted to Liberty School from Four Corners. That meant an early departure from the Four Corners bus stop, a transfer in downtown Salem, and a long ride to Liberty. Each afternoon meant the same trip in reverse. It was unquestionably the most ambitious independent venture I had ever undertaken….. something few of today’s seven year-olds would be allowed to try. But it went off without a hitch.’

We moved into our new house at 1185 Waller Street in November.  A few days later Dad left for Navy boot camp at Camp Farragut, Idaho. Although I may have wondered about the changes taking place in our family, I do not recall any particular concerns or apprehension.

I do, however, have a clear mind-picture of my first Waller Street afternoon. I was standing in the front yard of our little house, looking east across Twelfth Street toward a group of boys gathered along the street in the next block. I remember walking toward them, carefully crossing the busy Twelfth Street as I had been told to do, and approaching the boys.

I was seven years old, a first grader. During my days at Liberty School I had made several new friends, always in the structured environment of school. As far as I know this would the first time I had ever set out alone to establish contact with one or more total strangers.

I can imagine that I must have been self-conscious as I approached them. It would not have been a bold and confident advance. At some point they noticed my arrival and contact was made. It was established that my name was Gilbert and I had just moved in down the street.

Suddenly, my awkward introduction gave way to an unexpected challenge. I do not remember the words or the rationale. I do remember my bewilderment and surprise, trying to understand why these boys wanted to scare or hurt me, and why they thought that was so funny. I have a clear recollection of not knowing what to do. Then, almost before I realized what was happening, the most vocal of them, that was Phil Webb, and I were wrestling in the grass of the parking strip.

Never in my seven short years had I tried to defend myself. There had never been a reason to do so. My overriding memories of those few moments are of trying to comprehend why this was happening. My defense, such as it was, was born of fear and surprise. Our scuffling lasted only a few seconds before I rolled off the curb and thumped my head on the pavement. My resistance ended and tears began……tears of fright and embarrassment. The injury was slight. With my crying, Phil disengaged from the combat, as I clambered to my feet and ran for home.

A day or two later I was enrolled in Bush School, four blocks toward town from our new home. The changes continued…..something new every day. There were only six grades in my new school, but two full classes for each grade. It was a huge building and there were so many more kids. And, of course, in a matter of days the Balch brothers, Billy and Bobby, Emil Fultz, and Phil Webb had become my good friends. For the next seven years we, along with Tom Byerly, Alby Prentice, and brother Roger would be the Waller Street gang. To this day, seventy-five years later, I still see Phil a couple times a month. 

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My introduction to the Waller Street boys was, in fact, a minor skirmish in the course of my ‘growing up.’ However, the fact that I remember it so vividly and the feelings are so real after all these years, makes me think of it as a significant event in those early years. 

It was perhaps the first test of my self-confidence in an unstructured social situation. As it turned out a successful result, one that might have reinforced a wavering ego, was not part of that experience.

IT'S ALL IN THE DOTS

 

Referring to my last post, The Road to Becoming Me, I remember setting out to write what would become my Memoir, telling myself I was doing it for our children and family……revisiting impressions of my life, and where my path had taken me……hopefully highlighting lessons learned along the way.

But now, five years after publishing In Retrospect, I realize that I was actually doing that for myself. And now, here I am hoping I can convince the reader that revisiting the times of his or her life can be a productive effort, a worthy use of their time.

With that, let’s begin with some context. First, I am an old guy. I have seen some things, and done some things……some of them good, some not-so-good. More to the point it is the sum of all those ‘things’ that have made me who I am today. Why wouldn’t I want to know more about that journey to ‘now’……if only vicariously? 

Beyond that, what about the days I have left? What does my future look like? What could be left on my ‘to-do’ list?

All that has me asking myself if other folks my age sometimes consider revisiting the special moments of their past……the times that helped shape the person they have become. Surely I am not the only one who has those urges.

True, much of my earlier life, the “once-upon-a-time” part of my journey, no longer seems to apply, or is simply out of reach. Yet, the chance to revisit at least some of the moments worth remembering is appealing, and the notion of telling our own story ……whether yours or mine, still strikes me as a seductive possibility.

If you are like me you might feel called to make the most of the days you have left. Seems to me that telling our story is one way for each of us to do that.

It is called a “Memoir”…….literally “My story.” However, truth to tell, based on the previous times I have claimed in these pages the virtues of “telling your story,” odds are most of you don’t feel called to follow that possibility to its conclusion. Writing a book is not high on your list of things to do.

Fair enough! It is not my place to sell what you are not interested in buying. So scratch the ‘writing a book’ idea.

Yet, here I am, suggesting there is a lot to be gained from reviewing the highs and lows that trace your life journey. After all, that worthwhile exploration need not result in a book. A serious life-review can produce its own highlights……without the drudgery of writing and publishing our story. Let’s see if I can explain.

The way I approached the process of tracking the important ups and downs of my days was simply a matter of ‘connecting the dots.’ That sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? And it is……simple, but not necessarily easy. Actually, connecting the dots is not so hard……once you have the ‘dots.’

It is that task……creating the dots……that I am addressing today. And it seems to me that is one of those things that works best with a little preparation……assembling the materials that will make our work easier. I recommend that we begin with a three-ring binder, the kind you used in high school. In addition we will need a pack of lined, three-hole notebook paper. With those minimal aids, and a pen in hand, we are ready to create the ‘dots’ we will be connecting.

DOTS……Remember Hansel and Gretel? Lost in the woods they marked their passage with bread crumbs……signs of where they had been, tracing their path to “now.”

The ‘Dots’ I am talking about serve that same purpose……noting the events, recollections, wins and losses, and people we have encountered at particular moments of our Becoming. Though any given 'Dot' may have seemed incidental at the time, in hindsight it may emerge as an important step in your unfolding life.

That brings us to today’s homework assignment. Step #1 is the process of tracing the path to the ‘You’ you have become by identifying the ‘Dots’ you have left along the way on the road to today.

Beginning with your earliest memories, the ones that provide a baseline for your life journey, your “creating dots” exercise is a matter of identifying the moments that shaped your becoming……the incidents that have identified and reinforced your path, or perhaps sent you off in a different direction.

Let’s begin with the obvious. Your own list of ‘Dots’ is a unique, very personal thing……a matter of the recollections you have assembled. In my case the eighty-three years that my story covered were represented by fifty such ‘dots.’

Beginning with my earliest memories I went on to youthful, impactful events……a new neighborhood, the war years, academic success and stuttering, bullies and best friends, a few successes and just as many failures, the first ‘her,’ high school highs and lows, college, the real ‘Her,’ family times, career stops, and retirement. Rest assured, as you lose yourself in your own recollections you will not be short of subject matter.

As I listed those Dot candidates I used each of them as a heading on a blank page……just enough detail to prompt a further explanation when I returned to expand each of those ideas. For now I was concentrating on creating a list of events and persons that had left their mark on me.

For that first step chronological order was not so important. I filed each page in my three-ring binder, knowing I could rearrange the order they would appear in the final version.

Looking back, I suppose I spent two or three weeks creating that list of Dots I would use to chart my path from the beginning to the present ‘me.’ And, of course, there would be additional pages added along the way as new memories surfaced.

With that overview I will close this ‘Creating Your Dots’ exercise. I hope I have at least set you thinking about the chain of happenings that have made you who you are today. Just close your eyes and set your mind at ease……tracking back to recollections that mark your own journey.

Personally, I consider the time spent revisiting those moments to be worth the time. In the next post I will return with notes about the next step of tying all those loose ends together.

THE ROAD TO BECOMING THE PERSON WE ARE

I have mentioned that project before in these pages……the nearly 400 page memoir I subtitled ……My Bumpy Road to Growing Up. I remember encouraging my October/November readers (You know who you are.) to consider assembling their own personal life account, for themselves and their families. 

In order for Amazon/KDP to print the book I had to offer it for sale on my Amazon Author’s Page. Truth was, I did not want to do that. After all, it was the most personal writing I had ever attempted, and remains so today.

But I did that. I offered the book for sale at $47.50……and no one bought it. Mission accomplished.

Yet here I am, revisiting the notion of a ‘life story,’ hoping to use a somewhat different means of promoting that idea. This time I plan to spend more than one post to explain my intent. It will take two, three, or more installments……beginning with what follows - - Chapter 1 - Why Tell This Story. 

I encourage you to read it with an eye toward how the ‘life story’ questions I ask apply to you and your own story. With that, let’s see what I had to say

                 CHAPTER 1 - WHY TELL THIS STORY?

There are dozens of reasons to explore one’s life, and dozens of ways to approach that process. Beyond those matters of motivation and technique lies the most fundamental question of all. Why do I feel called to tell my story?

As I set out on this journey I have at least three reasons in mind. Chances are I will find others along the way. For now, however, I will be seeking these answers. 1) Why did I choose not to concentrate on the opportunities I was gifted as a young man? 2) Why did I instead settle for my own ‘road less traveled’ and a more satisfying form of success? 3) And, how was I lucky enough to win the lady who would put up with all my foolishness, and provide a helping hand in my search?

Fact is I want to know more about what made me the ‘me’ I have become. In the process I will be retelling and perhaps even reliving bits of my life in hopes of gaining insight. To be sure, this will be the most personal writing I have ever attempted. And most importantly, I am doing it to satisfy myself, no one else.

It is high time to face this life of mine head on and see where my thoughts take me. Hopefully I can confirm that ‘satisfaction’ and ‘fulfillment’ are not prizes to be found in the world of ‘things,’ but are instead products of soul-deep expectations we cultivate in the course of a lifetime.

I won’t pretend to address every detail of my long life. Instead I want to gather the recollections that stand out to me, whether or not their importance is obvious to a casual reader. It is that hopeful gathering of long-dormant memories and emotions that has drawn me toward this telling. 

I know there are intuitions and aspirations, anxieties and injuries that inhabit the inner ‘me,’ like ghosts of times past. I want to know more about those invisible specters. What should they mean to me? How are they connected to the person I have become? How do those long-ago episodes, perhaps insignificant at the time, relate to the answers I am still seeking at this advanced stage of life?

Have you ever wondered how seemingly-minor, often-momentary events are able to create such lasting subconscious associations? You and I live daily with hopes and anxieties that confirm the significance of long-past events. 

Are those yearnings and apprehensions real? Are they the basis of a fruitful life? Or simply illusions, unsafe to lean on in the heat of life-stressing situations? And where do all those questions come from? 

More to the point, why is my eighty-three (now 88) year old mind still seeking those answers? Surely by this time of life I should have learned to live with my accumulated doubts and uncertainty. Why haven’t I created more satisfying answers by now? Surely most people my age have managed that.

In the course of a lifetime all of us construct explanations that we rely on to create our ways of coping. Some of that logic may be shaky, barely able to hide the dysfunction it is meant to address. Some of it is more productive. I would like to know more about the ‘answers’ I have fashioned on my life journey. Which ones created real resolution? Which ones simply shielded me from the reality of unwelcome questions?

My search for personal answers, the strongest motivation of this exploration, may not make sense to anyone else. The drama and emotion of my seeking may be real only to me. Chances are an outsider will consider my questioning asides strange at best, occasionally humorous, and perhaps at times the work of a deranged mind.

For the most part my life answers have been adequate. They have allowed me to deal with the situations at hand, if not always well. Some questions that required an answer in an earlier time have ceased to be an issue for me. And, of course, there have been times when my answers were simply wrong and unproductive. 

Like you, I have spent a lifetime trying to create satisfactory responses to life’s challenges. In the process I have reached the supposed calm and quiet of retirement……yet there are questions that still remain.

Will this telling of my story, help me find those answers? How can I know that at the beginning? Ask me again when we reach the end. In the meantime why not join me on the bumpy road to my Becoming.

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With that, I hope you will join me for the next installment of exploring a Life Story……..I’m guessing that you will find meaning in the process.