IT FITS ME LIKE A GLOVE

 

I have mentioned before my long-standing membership in the Dull Men’s Club. Still, I am guessing that some of you might consider my involvement as something frivolous……..NOT AT ALL. Rest assured, we DMC’ers deal with real life on the front lines. Here is a case in point, an article taken from the club’s most recent monthly newsletter..

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                                THREAD OF THE WEEK - 

                                DISHWASHER LOADING

This is the second week of our Thread of the Week on our Dull Men’s Club Facebook Group’s page. The first week’s thread dealt with posts about tool sheds.

This week, members and visitors will be posting their thoughts and practices about DISHWASHER LOADING, a topic brimming with social issues, not to mention major inter- spousal differences:

• Should dishes soak in sink before loading?

• Where do they go, upper rack or lower rack?

• Do small plates govin the front, and large plates in the back?

• Cutlery — grouped by knives, forks, spoons? Or helter-skelter?

• Cutlery — which way up……handle or point?

• Which brand of detergent works best?

• Tablets or powder?

• If tablets, with or without power ball?

• Should we use rinse aid or no rinse aid?

• If rinse aid, which brand?

• Dishwasher’s settings?

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As you can tell from the above, we Dull Men concentrate on the important stuff. As our household’s designated DISHWASHER LOADER I can certainly attest to that. 

I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on these important matters.

AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 BLOGS

 

            Chances are today's post will be something different than it was when it first appeared all those years ago. After all, the travels and memories the two of us shared in those days have become the memories I alone remember. And too, the available armchair possibilities have expanded perhaps ten fold since then. Still, the lure of places to see and know remains as strong as ever.

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      Hey, you’re in luck. Today’s post may be shorter than usual. That’s because I’ll be leaving the leg work for you to do, if you decide you want to. Hopefully you will enjoy the homework suggestions I offer. With that in mind, let’s see if I can put all this into context.

      I have made the point numerous times over the years……I am a wanderlust junkie, at least I used to be. From the days when I ran away from home at fourteen I have had a thing about seeing the world ……at least the parts that appeal to me.

      In a similar manner I have used these pages to spread what I consider the logic of using the internet to broaden our horizons, especially in our October and November years. As you might have guessed, I am here today to sell (or give away) what I consider a worthy combination of wanderlust and the internet. Turns out the two go together very well. If, however, you are one of those unfortunate souls for whom travel and the possibilities it offers is not appealing, even from the comfort of your armchair……please don’t sign off just yet.

      The internet, of course, offers its information in many forms. As a longtime blogger I appreciate the many ways my blogging peers are able to spread their messages. If you have followed these pages for long you will perhaps recall that I’ve made the case before……there are blogs and bloggers for just about every subject under the sun. And when it comes to travel blogs the bloggers have so many individual ways to tell their story……far more than the normal guidebook litany of sights, hotels, and restaurants.

      Take for instances, travel destinations…….my topic du jour. I’d like to begin with London. Is there anyone out there blogging about London? I’m pretty sure we can find out. Just call up Google, enter “London bloggers,” and there you are. Take your pick from literally hundreds of London blogs.

      Once there I called up a response labeled “Secret London - 75 London Blogger” I spent a few minutes leafing through some of those options, many of which claimed they could show me the London most tourists never see. Midway through that list I settled on one called “Deserter.” which seemed to approach the city from a slightly jaundiced perspective……claiming to be “A compendium of techniques to get more out of doing less.” That sounded like something that might fit me.

       Then, emboldened by my London search I decided to try Paris. Roma and I were there a few times, but I doubt that we did little more than scratch the surface. At a listing titled “I Prefer Paris” several bloggers offered their insights on Paris experiences that you and I would probably never find on our own. One blog, titled ‘Excuses vs Lies,” offered perhaps the most practical Parisian wisdom I have found. “When Paris tries to kick my ass……I drink wine.”

      Moving on, I called up Amsterdam, another of our favorite cities, and again found dozens of bloggers claiming to tell us about the best their city has to offer. It was there I came across “Iwanderandroam.com,” which probably caught my eye because the two of us were serious ‘flea market’ junkies. What that blogger claims is the largest flea market in Europe is located in Amsterdam. It is called “Ij Hallen” and is spread over two huge warehouses. It might take a day or two to see it all, with age-appropriate rest breaks, but I’d love to try.

      I moved on to Galway because it’s my favorite town in Ireland. As it turned out the Galway blogger I was drawn to ‘youririshadventure.com, actually covers the entire country. It was their listing of “The Most Beautiful Towns in Ireland” that immediately reeled me in. If scrolling through that list doesn’t have you itching to get up and go you had better check you pulse.

      There were, of course, hundreds of other travel destinations I could have checked out for blogs and bloggers. It seems that just about any place you can think of is the subject of someone’s blog……offering local information you may not find in travel guides. Did I say “any place”? Perhaps it was time to test that theory.

      Many of us grew up assuming that the most remote place in the world actually had a name. What better way to describe the middle of nowhere than “Timbuktu”? That was about as far as a person could go. Well, guess what? The ‘middle of nowhere’ has its own travel blogger.

      The website, “joaoleitao.com,” is a great site that visits and photographs some of the most remote corners of the world. Its post - “Timbuktu the mysterious, deep in the Malian dessert” - calls the city “the meeting place of all who travel by camel or canoe.” Sounds idyllic, eh? In fact, the story’s many photos depict a stark beauty that most of us can scarcely imagine. It looks like an interesting place to explore.

      I’ll admit I was taken by Timbuktu until I read the blogger’s disclaimer, which I found a bit off-putting. Would this be enough to give you second thoughts? “Since the 2012 Islamic rebel uprisings, kidnappings and foreign abductions have become routine.” About then my thoughts were turning toward more familiar ground.

      In A Year to Remember, the first book Roma and I published together, we told the story of our young family’s home abroad in Winchester, England. By any measure that was a special time……that year spent among special friends in a special place. So, is Winchester home to bloggers? I had a hint to begin with. After all, my beloved Dull Men’s Club blog, “Winchester Bloggers,” is posted from there.

Google’s “Winchester” search produced several more candidates, including a particularly interesting possibility. How about “10 Reasons for a Boudoir Photoshoot”? To be honest I had never considered that. Does that even fit your notion of a travel blog? Truth to tell it had me wondering what was going on in what I remembered as the sedate environs of Winchester?

     Needless to say I soon moved on to other Winchester offerings, the ones dealing with the city’s ancient history, medieval High Street, the Jane Austin Home, and the spectacular cathedral.

      All of which brings me back to an obvious question. Am I returning to London, Paris, Amsterdam, or Galway? Not likely. Is Timbuktu in our future? Probably not. But in the course of my mini-blogfest I had spent several enjoyable hours enjoying sights I will never see and learning about places I will never visit. For a creaky old armchair traveler like me that feels like a win.

      Finally, I must point out that the internet is chock full of bloggers and blogs addressing just about any subject you choose to pursue. I am a travel addict, so those are the ones I selected today. But whatever tweaks your interest……be it a boudoir photoshoot, exotic recipes, or any other topic you can think of……there are bound to be blogs and bloggers following in its wake. Why not choose your own favorite topic and go looking?

IN PURSUIT OF ELDER WISDOM

      It’s funny, isn’t it……how so many of our life experiences have two sides to them……the good and the bad, the hopeful and the depressing. Just a week ago I was on these pages preaching about the need to be grateful. And here I am today dwelling on what might be considered the other side of that coin.

Near as I can tell my rather abrupt change of course was spawned by continuing thoughts of an earlier cancer diagnosis, and the resulting treatment…….thoughts that were quite different than the ones I addressed in my Attitude of Gratitude piece.

Life is that way, you know. Sometimes our fuzzy thoughts can lead us off on unexpected detours? I suppose that becomes all the more true when we stumble through our October years into November and beyond. Though we have learned our share of lessons along the way, by this stage of the game we are aware that some late-life questions require their own unique late-life answers.

I like to think I had the necessary answers when I was in my prime, those glory years of my fifties and sixties……a time of smooth sailing and satisfying outcomes……which probably says something about my retreating memory. 

But today, in my octogenarian November years, (at least I hope it is November.) my personal reality is changing. I keep bumping into the sad realization that I can no longer do what I once could. Truth to tell, if I let myself dwell on that dour understanding it can take me places I would rather not go. 

There are days when it is hard to shake the notion that I am on a one-way street, worn out and used up, descending a long, slippery slope to an inevitable end. In those moments it feels like the positives of my life, and I have certainly had my share of those, have come and gone. Here I am, old and alone……looking ahead from that perspective, trying to imagine what awaits me. There are times when it is hard to be hopeful.

It was with that reality in mind, still dwelling on the impact of the Big ‘C’ I mentioned last week, that I revisited my journals, turning to the pages from 2017, and what I had titled ‘Living With Dying.’ There I was drawn to a couple brief paragraphs that sent me off in a new direction.

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         While I wait for the doctor to determine how effective the immunology therapy has been, I want to sort through some of the options I have in mind for the future. 

  I plan to start that process with the hopeful assumption that all of us late-life folks have more resources to work with than we sometimes realize. We have spent a lifetime gaining our own hard-won elder wisdom. The things we have learned along the way ought not be dismissed.……especially in our ‘down and out’ moments, when we feel our potential slipping away. At times like that we must not give up on ourselves.

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So, when life weighs heavy on me, what sort of ‘elder wisdom’ do I have to draw on? Do I turn to the culture-shaping giants of times past……the revered dispensers of theological or/and philosophical wisdom? I know some folks do that. But that seems not to work for me.

Near as I can tell there is nothing mysterious or esoteric about my search for the truth. In fact, it appears that my operating version of ‘elder wisdom’ looks a lot like the common sense I have relied on to get this far in life……the kind we too often overlook when intimidation and uncertainty raise their ugly heads.

Chief among that common-sense inventory ought to be the realization that the less-than-primetime fellow I have become must remember to pace himself. That was true in the May and June of my life. It is all the more true in October and November. 

Today the question has become…….what level of activity amounts to an appropriate ‘November pace’? That was part of the continuing conversation that Roma and I rehashed as a couple. Now, in her absence, it is the same dialogue I have with myself. “What is a sustainable pace for the ‘me’ I have become?”

Most of our late-life peers understand the need to slow down and create an activity level in keeping with their declining capabilities. Though we may be inclined to resist those unwelcome realities, at some point we are forced to accept what we can’t change.

Though the challenges faced and the resulting accommodations will vary from person to person, a new, less-demanding level of physical activity is likely to be required. No matter how much we love our gardening, or long to take on the pesky home improvement projects that need doing, there are some things that will not be done by us. That has become a given.

What is not ‘given,’ however, are the particular activities each of us chooses to include in our ‘age-appropriate’ profile. I am not sure I understood the importance of that freedom to choose when I first addressed ‘the need to make the most of my remaining years.’ Since then I like to hope that I have learned a thing or two about that existential freedom.

For instance, I have learned that I can no longer manage everything on my ‘to-do list.’ There came a time when it was necessary to selectively reduce the demands on my shrinking future. That in turn meant it was more important than ever that I concentrate on the activities I really wanted to pursue.

Of course, there will always be those things that must be done because they cannot be set aside. But no matter what we have ‘always done,’ or what others think we ought to be doing……I believe that I have earned the right to devote more of my time to the things I find most comforting, satisfying, and fulfilling. At our age time is a precious commodity. We ought to use it wisely, without apologizing or rationalizing.

 

Of course, how we use that time is a very personal thing. No two answers will be the same, nor should they be. Within the constraints of health, resources, and safety each of us should make our own choices.

So what does that mean for me? How might I make the best use of my limited time? I ask your indulgence for a few moments as I offer a personal illustration or two. If my choices strike you as childish or escapism, I respectfully beg to differ. My intent is not to hide, or turn away from a less desirable destination. Instead, these are the destinations I had in mind all along.

Even in the face of health and lifestyle obstacles, which at my stage of life cannot be ignored, I claim the right to spend as much time as possible doing what really matters to me……things like helping others when I can, spending time with family and friends, and especially the care and feeding of the ‘inner me.’ 

Though I don’t have all that much in the way of worldly treasure, generally speaking I have enough. For 63 years Roma fussed over me like she did with our kids. In her absence I remain warm, well-fed, and blessed with family and health-care professionals to keep me going.

Still, there is at least one thing I would like to have more of……a larger dose of the afore-mentioned ‘elder-wisdom.’ That seems to me a worthy late-life goal……one I continue to work toward with sometimes dubious results. 

But where to look? Though my stumbling wisdom search has occasionally had me reading what I am told were the great thinkers of the ancient world, or immersing myself in learned theological doctrines……truth to tell, my intellectual/spiritual tastes seem not to run that deep. So where else might I turn for the wisdom I seek?

Surprisingly, what I found myself drawn to, and happily so, were not the libraries of ancient wisdom, but instead the esoteric and the not-so-ancient halls of YouTube.

You read that right. It is not a matter of calling up YouTube and watching whatever comes up. It is about using the “Search” feature at the top of the page to call up videos about virtually any subject, person,  place, or event you choose. It is all there.

That is where I find myself soaking up the contemporary wisdom of what I consider inspirational music, stimulating travel videos, and the helpful input of spiritual influencers like Dr. Brian Weiss, Wayne Dyer and other ‘modern-day thinkers.’ I will be the first to admit those choices will not fit everyone’s definition of ‘wisdom-seeking.’ Thankfully, each of us is free to do our own seeking.

Believe me, I am not being sarcastic. There are days when, in additional to my occasional visits with Roma and other friends, my personal seeking for what is real and worthy in life has me turning to YouTube videos, and the ‘wisdom’ they have to offer……revisiting favorite European memories and exploring destinations beyond my personal experience. Or perhaps that day’s mood will have me enjoying the melodic truth of Susan Boyle’s What a Wonderful World, Simon and Garfunkle’s Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Jim Croce’s Time in a Bottle, or Ian Tyson’s Four Strong Winds. When I feel the need to dig deeper, Wayne Dyer or Dr. Weiss are there to offer their insights. Those are some of my favorites. Your’s will be different, but you can be sure they will be found there.

Hey, I understand. I may be the only octogenarian on the block who indulges himself in such diversions. Fact is, I consider those quiet moments to be important means of ‘feeding my inner self.’ 

For years my writing, both blogging and storytelling, were an important part of that effort. Today I am inclined to settle for a more passive form of seeking……a pleasantly packaged format that settles easily on my mind. You may call it entertainment. I have decided to accept the best of that seeking as Elder-Wisdom. 

With that, I feel a sudden urge to lose myself for a few minutes in the wisdom of Alan Jackson’s Remember When?

WE NEED AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

It’s all in our head

Hey, we’re not kids you know. We’re adults, some of us very mature adults. We’ve known about the facts of life for a long time…..long enough to know that those 'facts' come in more than one version.

How about this fact? Simply put, we live life in our head, in our mind. It was that way as experience-seeking adolescents, learning to cope with an exciting new world. And it is still that way today, after all the miles we’ve traveled.

By October and November we realize how much of our life's journey…..mental, emotional, and spiritual.…..has been played out in our mind. If that time of life describes you, you know how those mind-trips can feel…..for instance, the mornings when you wake up wondering why it is happening to you…..again.

We know about those late-life speed bumps

The particular complaints are an individual matter, different for each of us. They might be physical. Maybe your aging body is again rebelling and you know for sure that your youthful resiliency is no longer in play. Perhaps it hurts to simply move around, especially at that early morning hour.

On the other hand your problem may be mental, something as simple as struggling to remember what the coming day holds for you…..important details that were indelibly etched in your memory hours, or minutes ago, but now seem just out of reach.

Or what about the most aggravating stumbling blocks of all, the emotional rumblings that so often contribute to a restless night’s sleep, then remain to haunt our waking hours? They come in many forms, those nagging concerns we label as “worries.”

You know the routine. Perhaps we are fretting about our family. Who knew we would still be worrying about kids and grandkids at our age? Or it could be that money, or the lack of it, is a worry. And what about our health.....those concerns comes naturally at our age, don’t they? Yet no matter what creates the anxiety, most of us know that once those distressing thoughts take hold they can be hard to shake.

When the negative takes charge     

At any age, but especially in late-life, there are so many things to be anxious about, if we are so inclined. Though we may consider those concerns as warning signs, telling us that something in our life needs to change, we are rarely thankful for the ‘worry’ they create. 

No matter what the “problem de jour” may be, it is likely to include one distressing element.....it is probably negative, something we wish would go away and leave us  alone.

How do those ‘negatives’…..petty or not …..affect us? I suppose that depends. I happen to believe that in the course of a lifetime our experiences and natural inclination have combined to create a personal understanding of the world we inhabit.

From an early age we learn to view our world through that filter…..as welcoming and friendly, dark and threatening, or somewhere in between. No matter where we are on that positive-negative continuum, we will usually act accordingly.

Still, though we can’t simply turn off those negative worries, who wants to stay in that depressing space when there might be a better way? Why not turn away from that, to a more positive and accepting view of the world and our place it in?

Can we make way for the positive?

We can do that, you know. It’s not easy, but even in our darkest, most depressing moments we can take time to recognize the ways we have been blessed, the reasons we have to be thankful in spite of our problems. 

Still, when a truly distressing worry gets its hooks in us simply reciting an off-setting blessing, no matter how real it is, may not be enough to chase that hard reality away, at least not at first. 

The logic of the matter is simple enough. We tell ourselves that we are supposed to be blessed. Good things are meant to happen to us. That is the way things ought to be. Why then should we be especially thankful for what is ‘supposed to be’.…..especially in the face of some worrisome problem that is most certainly not ‘supposed to be’?

In spite of that fragile logic we have to carry on in the face of aging reality and concerns that are not easily dismissed. Truth is, no matter how hard it may be, seeking and living out our blessings, those positive moments that are part of every life, is a powerful way to make the most of our Becoming.

Whatever path we rely on, whether religious faith, our own meditative practice, or stubborn will power, the goal of existential thankfulness seems worth the effort.

How about a change in attitude

As you might have guessed, I have something to sell today. Perhaps like me your mother used to remind you to "Count your blessings." That seems to me another way of addressing the "existential thankfulness" I mentioned above. Hopefully that is something you can buy into.

To help make that notion more real I have given it a name. I call the mindset I want to earn for myself, and hopefully sell to you, an Attitude of Gratitude.

Of course, simply counting your blessings will not end our worries, though it can help put things in perspective. Still, I am convinced that focusing on at least some of the reasons we have to be grateful is an effective way to move beyond the negative burden of our accumulated worries. 

Truth to tell, it was one of those affirming moments that brought me here today, putting these thoughts on paper.    

     

We know there is more than one way to draw the positive into our lives. For instance, I happen to appreciate compliments. Who doesn’t? Everyone likes them, especially when they seem sincere. Whether about my stories and blog posts, my family, or my feeble efforts to lose weight, it feels good when folks notice, and are willing to express their opinion. 

With that, perhaps you can imagine how blessed I felt on that special morning a few years back when this brief scene played out.

Hey Good Looking

It was nearly two years after his original diagnosis when the doctor, who had just viewed my once-cancerous bladder up close and personal, set his scope aside. He was smiling as he said, “That is a good-looking bladder you have there, with no sign of trouble.” Then, lest I get too cocky, he added, “Of course, we’ll want to continue the periodic treatments to be sure it stays that way.”

Look, I’m a low-key sort of guy, not the kind to brag about my bladder, kidneys, liver, pancreas, or whatever. I'm just not that kind of fellow.

But let me tell you, when it comes to an ‘Attitude of Gratitude' moment the doctor’s apparently sincere compliment of my “good looking, cancer-free bladder” was about as positive as it gets, more than enough to push aside the low-grade anxiety that usually accompanies my six-month check ups. 

Truth is, because I live life in my head, I expected that bit of Gratitude Attitude to last a while. At that moment any reasons I had to worry about anything at all would just have to wait a while