FILLING EMPTY PAGES

I will confess, there are times when my blog rambling is the product of a timid, sometimes lonely old mind. When I pause to consider why I keep filling empty pages with such fluffy stuff I realize that what I am really hoping for is a conversation……an exchange of thoughts and ideas with folks who are facing the same existential challenges that haunt my octogenarian days.

And here I am again……hoping to plant a few seeds and elicit a response or two. If your late-life world includes a normal helping of frustration, aloneness, and missing ‘what used to be’……all of them signs of a new lifestyle I am not sure I will ever get used to……chances are you can relate.

Like you, over the years I have come to understand that life is sometimes hard. There are moments when it literally hurts. Fact is, I think it is meant to be that way. How else can we learn the lessons we are meant to learn? That is why we are here.

Could it be that those who have moved on to a better place……the ones we miss so much……had learned the lessons they were meant to learn and were ready for the next level? If so, does that mean those of us who are still here have not finished our ‘learning process’? Do we still have some homework to complete before we ‘graduate’?

That ‘homework’ notion illustrates one of my primary late-life dilemmas. Here I am, with eighty-seven years on my odometer, and a lifetime of experience behind me……some of it good, some not-so-good. What makes me think there are still things for me to do, or avoid?

My short answer to that late-life question is simple enough. I am still here. I have not been called to the great beyond……which seems to suggest I have yet to complete my ‘to-do list.’ If sixty-seven years of Roma’s logic taught me anything at all, it was this……”You can’t move on until you’ve finished the work at hand.” So there must be more for me to do.

All of which begs the question……what sort of homework have I left undone? I suppose if you are one of the lucky ones you have your remaining action plan all worked out. And good for you. As for me, I guess I will continue down this slippery slope, doing what seems to make sense, and hoping the right reasons for carrying on will cross my path.

I must admit one of the most interesting ‘right reasons’ I have found in my October Years blog travels has been the opportunity to explore a bit of my own personal history in a way I never expected when I first dipped my toe in the blogging pond.

For reasons I still find hard to understand I decided to get in touch with as many of my long-ago high school classmates as I could reach. Using alumni rosters and a bit of detective work I compiled a list of email addresses……what I called the Class of 55……who would receive my periodic blog posts. 

As you would expect, those classmates numbers have dwindled over time. Or perhaps some have simply given up on an old guy’s blog. Yet it seems that some of us survivors retain an interest, perhaps even a need, to stay in touch with our roots.

I can only speak for myself, but as our late-life world grows smaller and more vulnerable, I continue to welcome the chance to remain in contact with those folks. Though few of us were ever close friends it seems that we share a common bit of history, as well as a common place in this shrinking world we call ‘late-life.’

So, even when there seems to be little reason for some of my blogging efforts, I expect I will show up in your email inbox from time to time just to stay in touch. Beyond that, I hope no one is offended to hear that I sometimes remember to include those Class of 55ers in my stumbling prayer efforts.

So until next time, stay safe and keep on doing your homework. And if you are so inclined, let us know how your world is treating you.

CONNECTING OUR DOTS

 

               

         “An unexamined life is not worth living.”

               Socrates

“Only as we look back at the course our footprints have traced do we fully understand  how we have read life’s inkblot.”

                                                           Huston Smith

                 

I happen to believe those old fellows have it right. I suppose that accounts for today’s change of pace. Rather than offering a dose of my pseudo-wisdom, I hope to nudge you toward a return to bits of your own history……a return to times, places, and people that were important to you.

There are, of course, many way to ‘examine’ an ‘unexamined’ life. After all, every one of us October/November folks has spent decades gathering our own unique collection of life-shaping influences and experiences ……a very personal blend of unsolicited possibilities and life-choices that have helped make us the person we have become……a one-of-a-kind individual.

Truth is, we are the result of a lifetime of influences and choices……the ones I’ll call ‘Dots.’ But how many of those ‘inputs,’ those ‘Dots’……do we even remember?

With that in mind, let’s consider today’s homework assignment……an examination of your own life by connecting those ‘Dots,’the markers that chart our trek to Becoming. I invite you to recall events and/or people who had a meaningful impact on your life’s path.

We don’t need to account for all those ‘Dots,’ just the most important ones. Without overthinking the process, I invite you to choose a handful of moments that highlight your course to Now. To be sure, it will be an incredibly personal and altogether unique journey you chart from one important impact to another.

For all of us, those meaningful events began early in life. But how often do we take the time to revisit those early times, like our grade school years, recalling the moments that stand out for us……the ones that made such an impact that we remember them to this day?

In hopes of jogging your memory, let me offer an example of one of my earliest ‘Dots.’ It was a first-grade afternoon when I came home from school to find the front door locked, and Mom nowhere in sight. A quick peek through the front window confirmed my worst fears. The living room was empty, without a stick of furniture. My family, Mom, Dad, and brother Roger, had left……without me. I call that a ‘Dot,’ and I remember vividly that sense of being left alone.

Or perhaps you dealt with an early-life ‘Dot’ that did not hinge on a single dramatic moment, but instead was an ongoing trial……one that haunted you for months, even years.

Apparently my learning to talk came with a stutter, right from the beginning. Before my school years it was no great handicap. But once I ventured into the social world of education that impediment would be an anchor I dragged behind me all through my school years…..dictating so many choices in my young life.

How about you? Can you, or are you willing to, retrieve any of your earliest ‘Dots’……the ones you still remember after all those years?

And then, with adolescence, we would come face to face with what might be labeled ‘relational Dots.’ (If you are a guy, you called them ‘girls.’) Odds are, whether you are a guy or a gal, those were some of your most memorable ‘Dots.’

Truth to tell, as a timid, stuttering young high-school junior I was simply steamrolled by that bold and brazen sophomore lass. Pulling me into a wider world, with interesting new possibilities, she pushed me to stand up for myself. Heck, we argued about my unwillingness to argue.

And then came perhaps the most consequential ‘Dot’ generator of all.  Leaving behind the constraints of home and high school, we set off to experience the real world. Whether it was work, college, the military, or some other pursuit, we were on the road to adulthood.

For me it would be college, and the most important of all the ‘Dots’ I encountered on my life-path. For the next sixty-seven years everything, for me and our family, would be framed by Roma’s firm and caring presence.

That led quite naturally to our Family Years…..some of the best of my personal ‘Dots.’ I’m guessing those times produced your share of highlights and positive ‘Dots.’ After all, we were adults by then, in a hopefully fruitful partnership, with some idea of how to get things done.

Sadly, for some of us those times would include a few pitfalls. Though, as a not-so-slightly spoiled son, I had learned that I could grow the family business……but didn’t really want to do that. After an extended ‘mid-life’ crisis……grad school, ranching, and a European writing escape……it would take a disastrous economic downturn to set things right. (A truly negative ‘Dot’ that did me a world of good.)

Once back on track again, I found a new and more satisfying career. Instead of having people working ‘for’ me, I was working ‘with’ people. Turned out I was good at that……which helped produce a very upbeat ‘Dot.’

If stepping out from high school into the real world was one of life’s most impactful ‘Dots,’ then surely retirement must rank in that same life-changing category. There we were, free at last, facing so many possibilities, with so many potential ‘Dots’ for us to choose from

In my case, it would take seven years of retirement to sort things out. I had tried many of the recommended  strategies……travel, gardening, hobbies, reading, etc……with minimal results, before I finally stumbled onto my favorite late-life ‘Dot’……blogging, telling stories and filling a bookcase shelf with the results.

And that brings us to now. I hope you have made a few mental notes along the way……capturing some of your own ‘Dots,’ those special times that helped shape and motivate the ‘You’ you have become…….moments so worth revisiting.

But, of course, our story does not end there. What sort of ‘Dots’ lie waiting for us on the road ahead? No matter what our age, no matter what our past, whether we like it or not there is no avoiding or evading the future……which invariably arrives complete with new possibilities and new choices to be made.

We have charted the path of our personal history using meaningful ’Dots,’ those special moments created by the choices we have made along the way. But that was all in the past. 

Today we are in a time called NOW. Are we ready to shape and mould the ‘Dots’ that await us on the rest of our journey? 

Fact is, we can't do nothing. Ready or not, there will be no avoiding the need to keep moving in some direction. As always, the path we take will be determined by the choices we make. 

ON THE ROAD TO............

 Ain’t it funny……the way one thing leads to another? My recent “Two drifters” post was enough to lead me on to a second installment I called “A lot of world to see.” Now, that same bit of logic has me thinking that “seeing the world” might require a plan, perhaps even a roadmap. 

With that in mind I invite you to join me on yet another blog journey, an imaginative adventure of sorts. Though I have a particular excursion in mind for myself, I hope you are willing to create your own itinerary……one that fits you. 

Let’s begin by taking a moment to consider our life-path in terms of a roadmap. No matter where we are presently located on that map there are dozens of possible routes available to each of us as we move ahead. It seems that every fork in the road we come to offers the promise, or the threat, of its own particular outcome.

We understand, don’t we, that with every day life presents us with new possibilities, new choices to be made….even if we choose to stay on the same road. With that in mind, let’s consider for a moment what was likely a pivotal instant in each of our young lives…….whether or not we realized that at the time.

Imagine, if you will, a return to a day in early May, in what would have been your last year of high school. Remember that heady time……when it felt like you were about to embark on your  long awaited venture into the adulthood……heading off on the road to your “Becoming.”? 

Chances were that never in our young lives had we faced such a consequential set of life choices. Though we may have already decided on our first post-high school step, whether we knew it or not we were living in a moment alive with potential choices.

There we were, setting out on our own personal journey, facing a future full of possibilities. Our youthful roadmap would include so many side roads for us to choose from, each one leading off toward a hazy, perhaps hopeful future. And whether we realized it or not, it would be the choices we made at those crossroads that would dictate our future.

So how did we make those choices? Did we rely on a carefully thought-out plan …….with each possibility checked and double-checked? Or was ours an impulsive “free-at-last” leap into what felt like an adult world? More than that, was it our decisions that carried the day……or was someone else making those choices for us? 

In any case the question remains…….how good was that high-school “choice making” of ours……the path we chose from all the possible options before us? I won’t pretend to speak for you, but looking back I have to say my personal “choice-making skills” were a bit lacking.

To be sure, the path I chose that May, enrolling in college, would lead to my soulmate. I take our sixty-seven years together as vindication of a choice well-made. Yet even with that victory in hand things might have turned out better if I had followed Her advice, instead of relying on my own loosey-goosey life plan.

And what about the years that followed? How often did you and I take time to remember that we were gifted with a new set of life choices each time came to a new fork in our life-journey……when some new choice offered its own set of possibilities and consequences? 

However, no matter how we weigh that time, that was then……that high school May Day and the choices we made then……the ones that eventually  brought to to this time and place. It was those choices that created our past…..the ones made for whatever reasons we had at the time.

But, this is now. Today is a new day, with its own reasons and choices.

With that “this is now” understanding in mind, let’s return for a moment to our roadmap. No matter what our age, the question remains……where are we on that map? What forks in the road lay ahead? Do we have any particular destinations or outcomes in mind……or have we settled into our own familiar rut, running on automatic?

Just before my soulmate left for her “next life” journey she told me, in very blunt terms, that I must find a way to “Carry on” in the face of her absence. In the days since then I have often asked, and continue to ask, “What road should I take, what choices should I make to honor her “Carry on” instructions?

At eighty-seven I live most of my days alone. Though I am blessed with a close and caring family, my days are largely solitary. I won’t say I am “anti-social,” but I am somewhat “unsocial.” For the most part I make myself heard through the cyber megaphones of email and blogging.

Of course the life-path I am walking has changed over time. That’s the way it is for everyone. Yet, having come this far down the road, from time to time I still sense new choices awaiting……hopefully age-appropriate side roads leading to who knows where.

As always, we have made our choices along the way……all sorts of choices……financial, relational, family, career, and health. For those of us who are so inclined our “what-if” daydreams may have us questioning some of those choices. Yet, no matter where our daydreams take us, we will always come face to face with the need to be looking ahead.

I want to believe that even now, this late in the game, I mustn’t give up. The possibility of new experiences, of side roads to follow, remains an option. If you are the sort who believes in a life purpose, it is fair to ask if you have achieved that goal……or do you have further to go?

Every one of us, regardless of our age, or where we are in our life-journey, is aware of at least some of the possibilities awaiting us. We are never too old to wonder which of those destinations fits us best? And if we know that, what roads, what choices, will lead us there?

SUCH A LOT OF WORLD TO SEE

I sometimes wonder if some of my blog posts are actually finished when I send them off into cyberspace. More than once I have asked myself if a second go-round is called for to make them complete.

That seemed to be the case when I revisited my last post……Two Drifters - off to see the world. In a matter of minutes my thoughts were overtaken by the next line of Johnny Mercer’s Moon River lyrics ……“There’s such a lot of world to see.” 

It was enough to have me remembering the world, or at least the parts of it, that Roma and I had experienced in the course of our sixty-seven years of ‘drifting’ together. I’m guessing you can relate to some of your own “seeing the world” possibilities.

Near as I can tell my “seeing the world” urges surfaced early. I was 14 when I talked a couple buddies into joining me to run away from home ……which at the time struck me as the ultimate adventure. 

We would hitch-hike east through the Columbia River gorge, where one of my pals talked me out of trying to swim across the mighty Columbia to hop one of the freight trains on the Washington side. More to the point, that youthful escapade would end in the Umatilla County jail, and a county-paid bus ride home.

By the end of our sophomore year in college Roma and I had been ‘going steady’ for a year. That had me offering a well-intentioned suggestion that the two of us spend our next summer back-packing in Europe. I had read of such adventures, and it would be a perfect fit for us……or so I thought.

Though I did not know it at the time, our future together would be rescued by Roma’s refusal to ask her mother for permission to be part of such a trip. As I got to know her better I realized that my steely-eyed mother-in-law to be, the lady our kids would know as Grandma Janet, would have put an immediate and final end to any relationship that hatched such impetuous, new-world notions.

In our years together there would be much to revel in, to be proud of. Our family, now three generations deep, tops that list. And not far behind are the things we accomplished together……creating some very special moments, including those times when, with Grandma Janet’s permission, we spread our wings to see some of the world. After all, like the song says…….”There is such a lot of world to see.”

Our “lot of world” travels together began in the rough and dusty wilds of Baja California, circa 1960. While more conventional folks were settling for a honeymoon in Hawaii, Southern California, or Niagara Falls, I had decided that La Paz, the southern terminus of the infamous Baja Road, would suit us better.

Where else could we have borrowed the bartender’s cab, which had to be hot-wired, because there was no key, to see the sights of town. Our hotel was the best in town……as you would expect for $25 per night. Sadly the pool had suffered an ugly algae bloom, so we settled for an afternoon at the neighborhood cock fights.

It would be a few years later, now with two young sons in tow, when Roma and I again set off to see more of our world……all the way to the rarified haunts of Palo Alto, and the Stanford Graduate School of Business. There, while a bit overwhelmed in that population of bright and ambitious would-be tycoons, our small-town crew learned a bit about life in the fast lane. Though it was an interesting experience, we were not converted.

I can’t blame Stanford for what came next. A year later our family of four averaged nine miles an hour over five days spent driving the original Baja Road. I had ridden a motorcycle the length of that outback trail a few years before. Repeating the trek in a four-wheel drive pick up was a comfortable alternative.

Then in 1970, at the age of thirty-three I came face-to-face with a textbook mid-life crisis that would send our family of five off to see a very different part of the world. How about a 1,400 acre cattle and alfalfa ranch deep in the Oregon Outback? Though I still scratch my head just thinking about it, even Mancini and Mercer could not have imagined my long hours in the saddle, or Roma’s love of driving the bulky haying machine and tending day-old calves. Like the song says…… “There’s such a lot of world to see.”

Truth to tell, ranching was not in our blood. By the time the ranch was sold I was expected to return to the family business, ready to free my dad for his eagerly awaited retirement. Sadly, a year later I managed to again put those plans on hold…….while we “drifters”  went “off to see the world.” 

This time we went as far as Winchester, the ancient capital of England. For the next year, while my dad stewed back home, we saw more of the world……Great Britain, Ireland, and western Europe. In the process I did manage to complete a novel, my supposed reason for taking our crew, now numbering six, abroad. In reality it was a classic case of a spoiled son indulging himself so that he and his family could see the world. 

Returning to real life back in Oregon, Roma settled into becoming the mother our four children loved, needed, and remember. Meanwhile, I set about growing and expanding the family business……putting my Stanford learning to work in a small business universe. For all those family-rearing years our “seeing the world” centered on the kids and their activities, along with family-centered travels, including a return visit to Winchester.

When the time came to sell the family companies I would move on to a second career in public school business administration. Those “seeing the world” years included moves to southern and central Oregon. 

It was after our central Oregon days, and my subsequent retirement, that we indulged ourselves in extended travels through the eastern half of the US and one last European tour……twelve weeks spent driving back roads and walking the side streets of Paris, London, and Edinburgh.

When all is said and done for us “two drifters” the possibilities of “such a lot of world to see” was not simply a matter of the places we saw and experienced.  It was about the people we connected with, both at home with family and friends, and in the course of our travels.

Though it makes for a pleasant reverie……revisiting some of the places, events, and people we were able to experience in the course of our “drifting”……it was the folks we met along the way who provided the real treasure at the “rainbow’s end” that Mercer spoke of.

Here’s hoping that you too have learned, and are still learning, your own personal lessons about “such a lot of world to see.” 

TWO DRIFTERS...OFF TO SEE THE WORLD

 

I woke up this morning, the seventh of July, ready to continue a conversation we had begun the night before. You see, it has been two years to the day since Roma made her exit from our world. For that long our conversations, at least my conversations, have been a part of my daily routine.

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I paused to remember the significance of this date, then turned on the TV for my weekly Sunday Morning on CBS fix……..and there it was, apparently waiting for me.

It was a feature segment on Henry Mancini, and there on the screen was Audrey Hepburn singing ‘Moon River.’ A moment later, without a second thought, I had captured the image of Roma and I……”Two drifters, off to see the world.”

After all, that’s what we were. Perhaps you and your life partner can relate to that notion. We were “two drifters’……swept along by tides we did not always understand, not always sure where we were going, or where our ‘drifting’ might take us……yet glad to be drifting together, seeking “the same rainbows end."

“There’s such a lot of world to see,” the song continued. Though we didn’t see it all in our sixty-seven years together, we certainly saw our share of the world, and more.

And now, two years since she decided to ‘drift’ off on her own, leaving me ‘adrift’ in a sometimes empty world, I am left to visit with her in my own way, and dream about the time, somewhere in our future, when we will again be ‘drifting’ together. 

In the meantime I am left to recall the time, just days before she left, when she told me…..”I am glad it is working out this way……with me leaving first, and you staying here to carry on. Because you will be able to do that, and I know I couldn’t……not alone.”

Of course she could have carried on. She is a strong soul. But instead she left. And here I am, two years later, still trying to “carry on,” adrift with the dream of the reunion that surely awaits us…..me and my “huckleberry friend.”