WHEN A REALLY GOOD WORD GETS A BAD NAME

It is a word I have come to appreciate, even celebrate, the older I get and the more I experience the need for what it means.

Though it is a description most of us may not use every day, we generally understand its meaning in at least one sense. Chances are if you hear it used in casual conversation it is describing a parent, a spouse, or a friend who supports or allows some sort of negative behavior by someone else

In short it is one of those words which has gained a permanently negative connotation.

That seems to me an ironic outcome……the way our culture focuses on the potentially negative possibilities of what I submit is an otherwise positive, even noble concept…..a word that at its heart describes what can be a blessing of great value, a virtue that may literally impact the course of our life.

Let’s begin at the beginning. Oxford Languages, the world’s leading dictionary publisher, provides two primary definitions for the word - 

ENABLER     (en-a-bler)

1).   a person or thing that makes something happen, 

2)  a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in     another. ….i.e. they have “enabled” that behavior.

We know, of course, that life, especially late-life, is a collaborative process. We may pride ourselves in our independent, individual accomplishments, but the truth is……it takes the people around us to make our life what it is. When all is said and done the life we create is usually the product of our own thoughts and actions interacting with the people close to us.

They may be family, friends, caregivers, or mentors……the ones who help us live the life we live, and walk the path we have chosen. 

Though we sometimes overlook the input of those “enablers,” and their role in our life’s journey, they are always there to help. We would do well to remember that as we assemble our personal cadre of Enablers, the ones who keep us going. Without them the life we hope to live, whether holy or humble, might well be out of reach.

I can imagine at least two types of positive ‘enablers’ in my life. First there are those who are close at hand, ready to do the tasks I have come to struggle with…..the heavy lifting, climbing the stairs, or opening a new bottle of catsup. Those are the ones who make a nearly-normal life possible for a used-up November guy.

And then there are what I will call the “social enablers,” whose presence on the other end of a letter, an email, or a phone call helps me, and those like me, live something approximating a normal social life. Providing the support and encouragement we receive and offer in those forms can be especially important to those of us who are no longer as mobile as we once were……when the prospects of travel or entertaining are no longer attractive options.

It seems the longer I reside in this tired old November world of mine the more I appreciate my enablers. After more than sixty years of constant enabling by a loving and determined life-mate I am all the more grateful for the enabling son with whom I share a home. He and his helpful siblings make it possible for me to enjoy a satisfying, if limited lifestyle pushing my walker from room to room.

At the same time I give thanks for the family and friends, those social enablers whose online conversations and occasional phone calls keep me in touch with the outside world.

Of course my inability to do what I once did without a second thought sometime creates an unfamiliar level of disappointment. But with the help of my enabling Enablers I can still create more possibilities than I will ever be able to make happen on my own. I have learned by now that it will take the people around me, my own late-life Enablers, to help turn at least a few of those possibilities into actualities.

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P S ……Blessed are those who have gathered their personal clan of Enablers over the years. Everyone of us needs those folks in our life. We never know when we will ask for their help, or offer our help to them. But we must not wait until we need that help, or when it is expected of us, to cultivate an enabling relationship.

 And do not forget, our ongoing reliance on our Enablers is a two-sided transaction. In the same way we rely on them, they deserve the best help we can offer on their behalf. A fruitful Enabler pairing is always a two-way street.