KEEP PEDALING

                   KEEP  PEDALING

                    (Originally posted 8/2014)

These October Years posts of mine often deal with material taken from books….usually my own stories. It is, after all, a “Writer’s Blog.” This time, however, I’d like us to consider a book that is not mine. Pilgrimage into the Last Third of Life is by Jane Marie Thibault and Richard L Morgan, and published by Upper Room Books. It was those authors and their book that started me down the path I am exploring here today.

As you might guess, given the publisher, the insights Thibault and Morgan offer have a religious slant. I know some folks are uncomfortable with that. Yet when we read or write about “the last third of life,” blog about “October & November Years,” or tell stories of Tanner seniors facing their own late-life trials I happen to believe that we are treading on ground strewn with spiritual implications.

The challenge for us October/November types, whether we consider it spiritual or not, is to move ahead in the face of a changing landscape. Think back for a moment. In one form or another you probably spent the middle third of your life, your own Jun, July, August, and September, looking ahead, focused on the future you hoped to create. For most of us that was a season of possibilities….nurturing a career and/or a family, doing our best to Become more tomorrow than we had been yesterday. 

Early on in their book Thibault and Morgan suggest a metaphor to help us put that busy time into context. They ask us to think of ourselves as having climbed a long hill….one that represents the first two-thirds of our life, from January through September….that time of “looking ahead.” In the course of our climb we were seeking expanded possibilities, while hoping for more and better rewards. It was, among other things, those mind pictures of future possibilities that kept us moving ahead, even when the going was hard.

Then at some point we reached the summit of that hill, where it seemed that we had climbed as high as we could go. From there we paused to look down the long slope on other side, towards what waited ahead ….the last third of our life, the time I call October and beyond. 

From our vantage point on the hilltop, October and beyond may have had the look of a dead-end decline….devoid of the affirmation, accomplishment, and recognition that had made midlife so hopeful and exciting. Looking down on the cloudy, sometimes forbidding landscape that lay ahead we perhaps longed for the sunny days of June and July, and mourned their passing….even as we dreaded what waited ahead.

By then the seductive dreams that had pulled us up the hill were probably fading a bit. As we stood there our first impulse may have been to take a deep breath and reluctantly prepare ourself for the not-so-seductive descent to the end.

Let’s pause for a moment right there, to expand the authors’ metaphor a bit. Remember those Tour de France cyclists you’ve watched on TV? Like them you have pedaled hard to reach the top of your hill, the one that represents the first two-thirds of your life. From there, as the saying goes, it’s all downhill. 

At first glance that “downhill” may have the feel of something to be endured, with little to look forward to. Having spent your entire life, up to then, on the exhilarating climb to the top, it might be tempting to simply accept the new and not-so-exhilarating future that seems to await you. In that case, why not just settle back and coast down the hill to the finish line?

As you can probably guess Thibault and Morgan recommend something more than “coasting to the finish line.” They write of a “pilgrimage,” a meaningful October/November journey. They speak of retirement and aging as a time of purpose…..a time to Keep Pedaling in an age-appropriate way. Truth to tell, their appeal sounds very much like the “making the most of late-life” that I write about.

I’ve made the point before. No matter how we label that time of life, it is not for sissies. It is literally a new life and lifestyle. We soon learn that the ways we dealt with life in June and July, the things that worked for us then, are probably not as effective, or even possible, in October and beyond.

You have read the numbers. In the last century science and medicine have added decades to our life expectancy. It wasn’t clean living that got me to 86. Fact is, the October of our life is arriving at an older age.

Our “October and beyond,” what the authors refer to as “last third of life,” is lasting longer. Twenty and thirty year retirements are common place today. The question for us has become….will we spend those years passively waiting for the finish line to come meet us? Or will we choose to use our remaining years in a more productive manner?

If you vote for “something more productive,” be aware that the best part of thriving in late-life is that we CAN choose the form of our thriving. On the other hand, the hardest part of thriving in October is that we alone MUST choose how we will thrive. No one else can do that for us. We have to make those choices ourselves. After a lifetime of having our choices dictated by career and/or family, the opportunity and the challenge of thriving in October rests squarely on our shoulders.

Having tread that path and descended that hill in the course of thirteen Tanner Chronicles stories, as well as my own life, I have some experience in the matter. Why else would I have posted Retirement - If it’s so easy why did I nearly flunk it? Still, I understand that some folks are not looking forward to that “pilgrimage”….their descent to the finish line. Many of us would rather not think about it. It is, however, as vital to completing the wholeness of life as our birth and maturing….and better by far than the alternative.

So, since the choices are yours to make, why not choose to thrive in your October and beyond? Instead of tilting your recliner back and coasting to the finish line, select one of the many paths leading down from that hilltop? Take the one, or ones, that offers the unique and satisfying “something” you seek.

This is not the time for unbridled ambition....seeking the ego-driven satisfaction of our earlier days. Instead we should be charting a conscious path that enables the love-infused soul we have been gifted.

That sort of seeking, of course, will not erase your late-life trials….the health, financial, or relational obstacles we all face. It may, however, soften those blows. So instead of coasting, choose an age-appropriate way that makes the most of your time, energy, and potential, and start pedaling. That sounds to me like a proper pilgrimage.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB......NO DUES, NO MEETINGS

  WELCOME TO THE CLUB.... 

    NO DUES,  NO MEETINGS

     (Originally posted nov, 2015)

So what is it that brings you here to this blog site? Is this a first-time visit, or do you belong to the club? I’m referring, of course, to the regular members of the blog-reading fraternity. (Or is it a sorority?) I’m not sure what our members are called. Are they blog junkies or blog groupies? 

Whatever we call ourselves, it feels to me as though we have stumbled onto a most engrossing, stimulating, and sometimes addictive diversion….a perfect retirement pastime. If following the blogs of your choice is not already a part of your routine perhaps you ought to consider it. 

Are there times when your present world is not big enough to suit you, or doesn’t take you to the places you would like to go? If so, latching onto a blog or two can be a fun and painless way to expand your horizons. How else could I have become a member of the Dull Men’s Club?

Anyway, if there is a chance that being a ‘bloggie’ might work for you let’s begin with the obvious….a working definition. Blog (noun) - a website on which an individual or group of users regularly record opinions, information, etc on a particular topic or range of topics.

However it may have happened, you managed to find this blog, and I thank you for that. But did you know that there is a blog, or blogs, for just about everything under the sun? The bloggers you read may be seasoned experts or overeager novices. But no matter what the subject, someone out there is offering their own opinions and information on the matter….as well as creating a dialog about it, 

Take any interest, hobby, habit, or obsession imaginable and you can be sure that any decent search engine can locate one or more blogs that deal with it. (If you are into current events, I stopped counting “Stormy Daniels” blog posts at something more than a dozen.)

‘Blog-following’ is, of course, an internet-enabled pastime….a bit like visiting with your neighbor over the back fence. Except in this case your “neighbor,” the one who wants to tell you or talk with you about a favorite subject, may live on the other side of the world. Chances are he or she will bring unique insights and ideas to the conversation ….something new for you to consider or explore. Best of all, you get to choose when to visit, whom you will visit with, and when to add your own input to the dialogue.

Perhaps you’re a “show me” sort of person. You know, someone who says “I’ll believe it when I see it.” If so, the test is oh-so-simple. No special computer skill is required. Just go to any search engine….enter a topic, any topic, on the ‘search line,’ then add the word “blog.” It’s hard to imagine a real-world subject that won’t produce multiple responses. Simply review the results of your search, choose a site that appeals to you, call it up and read. If you decide to join the online conversation you will be coached through that process.

At once you will find that you have stumbled onto a new kind of community, a virtual-village of folks who are excited by what excites you. For me that process began years ago when I logged on to an inconspicuous website called Hitch Itch, where I was introduced to the world of full-time RVing, something that interested me a great deal. (Sadly my wife did not subscribe to the romance of making a tin house on wheels our permanent home.) She preferred her own fan collecting and genealogy blogs.

Anyway, there on Hitch Itch dozens of folks were posting their blogs….proclaiming the virtues of living full time in an RV, sharing their travel experiences, and staying in touch with each other. Though I was usually a silent observer, I occasionally added my input to some ongoing dialogue. And all the while, on an irregular basis I followed the travels and trials of folks I’d never met, and likely never would. 

We had become new-age Pen Pals. (Remember those?) In the same way the blog you are reading right now allows, those blogging Pen Pals had invited the rest of us to join them on their own unique journey….while we learned a bit about who they were and what kept them going. It had the feel of an old-fashioned party-line, an intimate conversation posted for the whole world to read

As for myself, I have several reasons to be blogging. Now, in our eleventh year’ this October Years space is clearly labeled “a writer’s blog.” I use the format to explore, explain, and (gasp) promote my stories. Hopefully that is enough to keep people returning to these pages.

Personally, I enjoy resurrecting some story I wrote years before to ask again what I was trying to say, while judging how successful I was. I’m always working on a new story, looking for ways to make them better. Writing a blog helps me do that. If, at the same time, I nudge some blog reader towards reading one of my stories I’m okay with that.

Finally, whatever your reason for being on this page at this moment I hope you’ll return often, and tell your friends about it. As always, I’ll keep asking for your comments, though few of you have taken me up on that.

 In the meantime, I hope you’ll check out other blog topics that interest you. There is a whole world waiting out there, tens of thousands of conversations are going on at this very minute. Chances are there is one or more that you’d enjoy being part of. You have the computer and internet connection. (That’s how you’re reading this.) Why not visit Blogsville and see if one of those conversations ought to include you? 

MENTORS ON OUR ROAD TO BECOMING

 

  Mentors on our road to Becoming

 (Originally posted 8/2015)

It’s hard to beat a good example….a role model who can show us how to deal with the good times, and more particularly the hard times. 

It’s a fact, you know, the souls we choose to guide us, our “Mentors” if you will, help shape our life journey. If you are like me, a late-life traveler on the road to “Becoming,” you appreciate those souls who can model, by a life well-lived, just how fruitful October, November, and even December can be.

When I first posted this piece in 2015 I happened to choose a pair of then-contemporary examples to illustrate the point I wanted to make……the  differing impacts of a life well-lived versus a life that had become entangled in a maze of ego-driven side roads.....dreaming addicting dreams of being President, the 'one in charge.'

How could I have guessed all those years ago that on this very day, nearly eight years later, those same examples of a life-lived-well, and a life spent preening for the ego-satisfaction of public acceptance would still be so relevant?

In that light can you think of a more inspiring 2015 role-model than former President Jimmy Carter, ......deep in his 80’s, still building homes for those in need, teaching Sunday school, and smiling his quiet, confident smile in the face of a recent cancer diagnosis. Can there be any doubt that you are witnessing a strong faith at work? Perhaps late in his personal November he was still showing us how to make the most of our time and energy……illuminating new pathways to Becoming.

Take a moment to consider the lasting legacy he has created. Whatever you thought of the man’s politics, there is no denying that he has been a prime example of how to live a productive and eventful life after the “main event” has come and gone….proving once more that ‘Becoming’ is a life-long process. 

And today, 2023, even as his immediate future rests in the hands of a home-town Hospice team…..those angels who walk among us.....President Carter continues to illustrate an important truth. Even though he rose all the way to the top, he has made his late-life as important and meaningful in its own way as were his September and October.

Take a moment to think about your own life journey. If you’re like me you’ve been retired so long that it’s hard to remember when you weren’t. Yet chances are you can still recall the giddy moment when you finally reached the end of that work-a-day rainbow. 

Since then, if you are among the lucky ones, you have had the time and opportunity to pursue at least some of the dreams you dreamed on the way to your October and November. I hope it’s worked out that way for you. 

But what about our late-life peers who complain of having too much time on their hands. Listening to them grumble I wonder why they ran out of reasons to keep moving ahead before they ran out of time. More to the point, don’t they realize that in a world full of possibilities we never stop “Becoming”? We are always on the way to somewhere. In that case why not make the journey the most productive it can be?

It’s true, we will never be able to do everything we dreamed of back then. After all, our world has changed. Our expectations are different. We have new goals to strive for. Besides, our capabilities have probably retreated a bit, sometimes more than a bit. The old ways of doing things may no longer work. But there are still new ways that just might.

We have learned that when circumstances change our responses need to reflect our new reality. We must adapt. We have spent a lifetime using that logic in our career, our parenting, and our relationships. Surprise! It still applies in retirement ….one of the most important “change of circumstances” we will ever encounter. 

October and beyond is bound to be an unfamiliar world, with new rules and new challenges. If ever there was a time to trust our instincts and reach for the most inspiring role models we can find, this is it. 

I know there have been times when I’ve had to “adapt”……sometimes successfully, sometimes less so. I’ll bet you’ve been in that space too…. where the old ways were no longer as effective as they used to be, and better answers were hard to find. That happens at our stage of the game. I’ve probably spent more time than most people focusing on October and its challenges. In the course of twelve Tanner Chronicles novels I have explored a myriad of late-life speed bumps and their impact on October late life. 

My stories have dealt with loneliness and grieving, disability and dementia, depression and lost dreams……I have spent weeks at a time weaving those unsettling elements into a story. Along the way I have created friends that I consider October role models….who even in the worst of times trusted their instincts and never stopped Becoming.

I suppose I have always been drawn to the imagery of the “positive role model,” a label I gladly assign to President Carter and the life he has lived. On the other hand, the notion of “trusting our instincts” was an idea I had not explored until recently, when I read T. D. Jakes’ latest title……Instinct.

In the course of my blogging I have sometimes made a big deal of “change.” It is, after all, an important part of our October and beyond. So I was taken by Mr. Jakes’ way of addressing change….at any time of life, including retirement. The change he writes about is not an “off-the-shelf,” “one-size-fits-all” process. 

Instead, he stresses the uniquely personal nature of change. For it to be successful it must deal with the individual….focusing on his or her history, preferences, expectations, and perhaps most surprisingly….his or her instincts. All that, of course, requires serious self-examination, something most of us resist. Yet, without an understanding of what makes us the person we are, how can we expect to create effective change?

I realize that for some T D Jakes’ reputation will precede him. He is, after all, a highly successful mega-church pastor who often writes on Christian topics. For some that may be a red flag. 

My take on such concerns is pretty simple. If you disagree with Jakes’ treatment of change, and the role ‘instinct’ plays in that process, I assure you it won’t be because he has turned his case into a religious rant. There is nothing remotely approaching a sermon in the whole book….just his straight-forward explanation of the many ways our instincts impact change, or the lack of change in our lives.

Those of us who reside in a late-life world know the truth of it, change happens at every stage of life….no thing and no one stays the same. Our choice in the matter is rather simple….we can choose to play a part in directing our own change, or simply sit on the sidelines and accept whatever change comes our way. 

Perhaps you have decided to have a voice in the change the impacts your life, but are wondering whose advice to follow to make that happen. All those years ago, back in 2015, I cited a counter-example to Jimmy Carter’s caring instinct in the form of a yet-to-be-elected politician who had recently announced his candidacy for the US Presidency. My actual words in that post were   ……..

“Should you model your response to change on The Donald….on the juvenile “It’s all about me” ravings of a geriatric egomaniac? Or should you instead follow the quiet counsel of an aging Georgia peanut farmer?” 

Remarkably today, eight years later, it seems to me that question still resonates. It would be hard to find two more opposite role models. While Jimmy Carter teaches Sunday school and visits with his hospice nurse, former President Trump deals with a raft of legal and ethical issues.

Personally I am swayed by Jimmy Carter’s example, and T D Jakes’ reasons for relying on my own instincts, along with my old friend Wayne Dyer’s thoughts on the power of intention….all of which urge me to continue my Becoming, building on my role as co-author of my own story. 

In the end the choice is ours to make, dictated by our own soul prodding…..our instincts. And at the same time remember that our choices, and the way we live them out, are apt to influence those whose lives we impact, who like us are looking for guidance in the process of Becoming.

HOME......WHERE IS THAT?

HOME……WHERE IS THAT?

It is not all that surprising that I can relate to Dan Padgett’s frustrating dilemma. After all, he and I have a lot in common. During the final years of his long career in municipal government Dan has nursed his dreams of a mobile, nomadic retirement….including a well-equipped motor home that will serve as the primary residence for him and Nell as they drive off to see the world. 

As Dan’s retirement date draws near those seductive possibility are harder than ever to resist. In the end, however, it seems that his nagging wanderlust….the lure of “places-to-see” and “people-to-meet” in the remote corners of the US and beyond, has only managed to complicate things. 

As the story I call Family Matters opens, Dan has concluded that his carefully constructed dream is a perfectly reasonable vision of what retirement ought to be.  The truth and the attraction of it is so self-evident….at least until he realizes that his wife has created her own, very different notion of their Golden Years. 

For decades Nell has followed her husband all over the state, from job to job. Every few years she had been forced to establish a new home in a new town. Finally, after half a dozen such moves they finally returned to Tanner, where their odyssey had begun all those years before. To her way of thinking they were finally home. More to the point, she was determined to never move again.

So while Nell looks forward to the permanency of their Tanner retirement, Dan continues to dream his “on-the-road” dreams….of going off to see the world, unimpeded by the anchoring limitations of a permanent home. The logic of it is so clear to him. But in the face of his wife’s objections why does he continue to dream that dream? Why is he so eager to dismiss her desires for a very different future? What can he possibly be thinking? I believe the time has come to ask him.

(Gil) “Tell me Dan, why does it look like you’re walking all over your wife’s dream? I learned a long time ago that’s not really a good idea.”

(Dan) “Believe me, I don’t mean to be putting her down. I just keep hoping that she’ll finally come to her senses….to realize how great it would be to see all those places we’ve dreamed of seeing and do the things we’ve always wanted to do.”

(Gil) “What makes you think that both of you have ‘always dreamed’ about seeing those places and doing those things? Could it be that you’re trying to turn 'your' dream into 'her' dream? If that’s so, what if she doesn’t buy your idea of retirement? What happens then?”

(Dan) “I suppose you could say that is what’s happened….at least up to now. She’s just so darn stubborn. I’m offering the perfect way for us to get out from under all the stupid stuff that comes with owning a home like ours….the housekeeping, the yard work and gardening, the cost of it all. We could put all that behind us, and be free to go wherever we wanted to go, for as long as we wanted. Can’t you see how great that would be?”

(Gil) “It doesn’t matter what I can see. This is about Nell. And I’m guessing that what you’re describing doesn’t sound so ‘great’ to her? It’s not the way she wants to spend her retirement. Right?”

(Dan) “You can say that again. She says that she’s actually looking forward to the gardening, and her silly clubs….all the stuff that keeps us here in Tanner. That’s what she wants. Can you believe it? The very things I want to get away from….the day to day chores and upkeep, the meetings that never seem to end….are exactly what she wants more of.”

(Gil) “Why do you suppose that is?”

(Dan) “I don’t have a clue. I keep asking her to explain, but she can’t….at least not in a way that makes sense to me. It’s like she’s living in some other world.”

(Gil) “Would you mind if I took a guess….a slightly different take on what you might be dealing with? I may be wrong, but I’d like to hear what you think of it.”

(Dan) “Go ahead. God knows I’d like to find someone who can sort it out for me.”

(Gil) “Well then, how about this? What if the two of you are bumping heads because you don’t agree on what each of you means when you talk about ‘home’? Maybe that word means something different to her than it does to you. Could that be what you're talking about? (As you might guess by now, I’m prone to playing the pseudo-wise guru.)

(Dan) “What the hell does that mean?”

(Gil) “You tell me. If I backed you into a corner and forced you to define ‘home,’ how would you do that? What does it mean to you? How would you describe it?”

(Dan) (I won’t include all his false starts---the hemming and hawing that proceeded his final reply.) “It seems to me that when you get right down to it, home can be anyplace we want it to be….wherever Nell and I are together. It’s not about a certain piece of land or some special building. It’s a matter of being happy together wherever we are. That’s what makes full-time RVing so appealing to me. We could go anywhere we wanted, and still be home.”

(Gil) “So, how about Nell? If I asked her to describe ‘home,’ would her answer be the same as yours? Would she agree with your ‘home can be anywhere you two are together’ idea?”

(Dan) “Not a chance. Her idea of home is tied to a place….right here in Tanner. It’s the house we live in now, along with her friends, and gardens, and clubs, and church. For her it’s all about this particular place and everything that goes with it. Every time I try to explain that it doesn’t have to be like that, she throws all her Tanner stuff back in my face.”

(Gil) “So the real hang up, what has you two at each other’s throats, is the notion of ‘home,’ and what that means to each of you. You simply don’t agree about that. Right?”

(Dan) “I suppose that’s it.” (He paused a moment, before asking his question.) “If that’s true, how the heck do we get past it? Can you see any way for us to do that?”

(Gil) “Oh man, I don’t know. I’m pretty sure it’s wouldn’t be easy. It would be a complicated thing. I’ll bet I could write a whole book about that. In fact, I have.”

There you have it. The scene has been set and the Padgetts’ frustrating dilemma has been spelled out for everyone to see. What if it was you? How would you define “home?” Can you imagine how their Family Matters story will play out?

*****************************************

Blog excerpts are taken from October Years - a writer’s blog compilation.

    If you, or someone you know, is one of those October/November Years folks a quick Google search of “Gil Stewart’s Amazon Author’s Page” will provide further details of all 21 of my Kindle and paperback stories.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR LATE-LIFE BOLDNESS

Let’s Hear it for Late-Life Boldness

(Original posted 10/2015)

Do you ever wish that these late-life years, our Octobers and Novembers, came with a crystal ball? If you are like me, by this stage of the game your timing and energy may not be what they once were. There are moments when it would really help if we could see around the next corner of our life-path….to have a better idea of what to expect and how to prepare for it. Alas, like every other time of life, October and November do not provide that kind of foresight. 

There are times, of course, when each of us indulges in our own form of looking around that next corner. How often have we said with conviction that “I am definitely going to do ‘this or that’ next year” or “I’ll never do ‘this or that’ again”? Do we say that intending to predict the future? Probably not, though we may have wanted it to sound that way. In the end, however, it is not our predictions, but the choices we actually make, that will shape our future. 

Perhaps you know someone who is weighed down by late-life realities, apparently ready to give up on his or her future. What happens when the future we can’t see and don’t know has already defeated us? How do we move beyond that stubborn barrier….when a change of course seems not to be worth the effort? Whatever the answer, I believe that using our October/November status as an excuse to cease our “Becoming” is to sell ourselves short.

Months ago I mentioned in these pages that I planned to title my next story October Bold. And now, having completed the first draft, I find that the name still  seems to fit. It describes the simple tale of a sixty-something pair….she from Oregon, he from Iowa….each of them still dealing with the loss of a spouse. In time they will come face to face with the unsettling reality that a new relationship, if that is in the cards, is bound to require a change of course and attitude. 

Getting the best from the relational possibilities the pair faces will require change. And the necessary changes will require a dose of October Boldness. After all, the questions they must answer now are decades removed from when they were first asked. 

As I have said before, the October Boldness I advocate is not a matter of daring adventure or great physical risk, but rather the risk of nagging doubts, hurt feelings, embarrassment, or head shaking snickers. It includes a willingness to venture beyond our comfort zone….proving to ourselves that our fragile egos can deal with those doubts and challenges. 

More to the point, October/November Boldness is a frame of mind. It is a conscious decision, no matter how timid, to reach for what we perhaps assumed was out of reach. It requires a willingness to act in the face of all the reasons we have created for not acting. It’s about taking a chance. After all that we’ve gone through to reach that time of life, why not be bold? Haven’t we earned that right….in a late-life sort of way?

Let me put a personal spin on this. Perhaps someone will buy my books…. maybe they won’t. My blog may be read….or not. Either way, my own Late-Life Boldness allows me the opportunity to be true to myself….to create the characters I imagine into being, and send them off to create a future for themselves. Hopefully they will be bold enough to seek the best of what that future can be. After all, even at our age, we deserve the chance to give it our best. 

It’s what I call ‘Becoming’….moving ahead toward a hopefully better version of who we are. Though we can’t avoid the change that is part of every life, we can influence its course….how it plays out in our own Becoming. After all, perhaps the most important of all change agents is the small voice in our head or our heart, urging us to become the person we are meant to be.

So why not scrape off those limiting barnacles and be more open to taking those chances? Step out with your own brand of Late-Life Boldness. Who cares if you end up looking silly or out of place? If you’re like me, you’ve been there before. To hold back or hesitate because of what someone else may say or think about my feeble efforts strikes me as a cowardly and very unbold reason for not acting.

I pray that you can be bold in your own Late-Life ways. If there is something you want to try or do, and there is nothing more than your own timidity holding you back….then give it a try. What are you waiting for? Will it be easier next year?

ELDER ORPHANS - November Epiphany

     ELDER ORPHANS 

 

      A November Epiphany

     ( originally posted 1/16/2016)

I won’t apologize for this bit of repetition that I offer for those who did not see it the first time, or perhaps need to be reminded. It is one of those subjects I have dealt with before, and may well address again some day. It is, in my muddled, moss-covered opinion an increasingly serious matter…. that deserves another look.

For seventeen years now I have tried to make the case that late-life, our October and November Years, works best as a shared effort, when two or more of us….friends and lovers, family and caregivers, face that sometime harsh time together. I have written whole books making that case….following my Tanner Chronicles friends as they stumble toward the relationships that will help support them in October and beyond. 

Having spent so much ink stressing that point, you can perhaps imagine my pleasant surprise when I first came across an effective and incredibly descriptive way, just two familiar words, of defining the unfortunate seniors who are forced to face late-life alone.

Perhaps those folks are Elder Orphans. Take a moment to repeat those words out loud. When I first heard them they had the ring of an epiphany….a striking, suddenly-revealed truth. In two short words, catchy and amazingly accurate, is captured the essence of a growing, wide-spread October/November crisis. I was impressed at the time, and still am. Like a lot of things, the more aware we become, the more we are able to see the all-too-obvious signs all around us.

Lest you think my not-so-nimble mind has created that simple, yet startling insight, I am happy to credit a Huffington Post blog by Carol Marak, part of an extended blog series on Aging Alone that addressed Elder Orphan problems and possibilities from a personal perspective. 

“Who will care for them?” she asked. “Who will look out for those unfortunate ones?

Dealing with late-life complexities is hard enough in the best of circumstances. But who will help the aging, the childless, the single….when they are alone and in need?”

Those 'lonely ones' are, of course, the Elder Orphans. Like their infant counterparts, they are literally on their own at a distressingly vulnerable time of life, and just as much in need of caring support.

Chances are they are socially and physically isolated, living without a family member or surrogate. Too often they are lonely, depressed, and perhaps dealing with diminished decision-making capabilities. To make matters worse they are seldom acknowledged as a group or class that needs help.

So what does the future hold for our Elder Orphan population? By all accounts their numbers are increasing, and the help they need will grow accordingly. Looking ahead it is likely that more seniors will need more help for a longer period of time. 

    

    According to Ms. Marak a recent AARP report offers precious little solace, confirming that the demand for elder caregivers continues to grown faster than the supply. In the face of funding shortfalls and rapidly increasing costs, Caregiver per Orphan ratios are steadily declining across the country. Being an Elder Orphan is not going to get easier.

Though I operated without that catchy label for all those years, my Tanner Chronicle stories often focused on those who qualified as Elder Orphans. Take for instance Johnny Blanton, one of my favorite Tanner friends, who reminded me of a special fellow, someone you may have known. 

In Best Friends and Promises Johnny lives in a low-cost, county-owned apartment, surrounded by neighbors who scarcely acknowledge his presence. Though he would be unwilling to admit as much, (actually he would scream like hell.), in many important ways he had become an orphan. You tell me, is this a viable depiction of an Elder Orphan?

For all his gregarious instincts Johnny Blanton led a spartan, decidedly isolated existence, the unfortunate result of circumstances over which he had little control. In the course of his four-year residency in the County-operated Senior Housing Complex he had concluded that, as a group, his neighbors suffered from a multitude of shared failings. To a person they were old, financially strapped, grouchy, and judgmental. Most depressing of all, not one of them subscribed to his long-cultivated interest in having a good time.

Wary, unsmiling widows were everywhere. He passed them in the hallways. They crowded the dingy activity room. Without exception he found them  unnaturally distrusting of his well-intentioned attention. At one time or another he had approached nearly all of them, hoping to spark some degree of interest, and had struck out at every turn.

Except for Mrs. Perkins, who lived across the hall from his apartment and provided him with a steady supply of day-old newspapers, Johnny had not made one female acquaintance in the entire thirty-unit complex. He took that sad reality, and the slight it represented, very personally

To make matters worse Johnny’s success at making friends among the male residents, he called them “inmates,” had been only slightly better. Some were deaf, blind, or immobile….which tended to limit their “good time” potential. Sadly, the few who still found a few beers a viable social pursuit were no more affluent than Johnny. After years of having Aaron Peck and others pick up the tab, he was reluctant to cultivate drinking buddies who expected him to play that role.

As a result, his social life had become seriously constrained. For three years Willie Thomas, who did not drink at all, but played a mean game of cribbage, had been his most reliable ally among the residents. With Willie’s passing the previous December that welcome friendship had been lost.

In his heart of hearts Johnny Blanton was a very social creature. It appeared, however, that in the sterile confines of the Senior Complex his declining years were destined to be lived out in a state of stagnant depression. To his way of thinking it would take a miracle to change that unfortunate situation.

An unfortunate situation, eh? One that begs for a compassionate storyteller to provide the “miracle” Johnny is hoping for. That, however, is something for another day. After all, storytelling….fictional accounts of non-fictional situations….is one thing. Living real life in the Elder Orphan lane is something very different. It is, however, something that you and I can play a part in addressing.

You see, most of us know an elder orphan, probably more than one. They sit in the midst of our congregations. We may pass them shuffling behind their walker in the supermarket aisle, or rub elbows with them at the senior center. You may also find them in hospital emergency rooms, often their only source of the health care. They are, in fact, everywhere….out of sight….right before our eyes.

So, from the first time I read Ms Marak’s post I wanted that label and what it stands for to be part of my personal October & November Years dialogue, with you and myself….now and in the future. 

And along the way I hope I can be observant enough, and bold enough, to spot the elder orphans who cross my path….to acknowledge their place in my world, and perhaps take the time to hear a bit of their story. 

That’s an important thing, you know, showing them that for at least a few minutes someone cares enough to listen. There are so many folks out there who need that casual gift….the simple act of acknowledging and affirming their presence. Isn’t that what every orphan wants, no matter what their age?

IF RETIREMENT IS SO EASY, WHY DID I NEARLY FLUNK IT?

 

IF RETIREMENT'S SO EASY WHY DID I NEARLY FLUNK IT?

    As seen through younger eyes retirement has the look of an easy, carefree time of life. One of our grandsons is certain that it must be “the sweetest thing ever....you can play computer games all day and all night if you want.” 

    Of course, those of us who have reached that time of life know the truth is something more than that. We’re talking about a new lifestyle....about learning new ways and how to put those ways to work in our new life. Think of it as Retirement 101....the first grade of a new and different kind of learning. 

    There are probably a million roads leading to that retirement space....that place of life-after-work. Fact is, each of us arrives via our own unique path.

    Yet no matter how we approach it, as we grow nearer to that goal it seems the thought of it becomes more seductive. I know it was for me. But then, having finally arrived there, some of us will be disappointed to find that the reality of it is something less than our dreams. Actually, as I have confessed before, I for one very nearly flunked retirement.

    You see, many of us have spent years dreaming our dreams of that special prize. “The Golden Years” we call them, the ones I have labeled October Years. 

    If we are that sort, we have painted glowing mind-pictures of how it will be....the things we’ll do and the places we’ll see. For many, the fortunate happenstance of being born into the “pension plan” generation, with its generous payouts, will make those dreams financially feasible....assuming they can stay healthy, and couples can agree on which dreams they want to follow. 

   I must admit that I have been reminded, sometimes rather forcefully, that for those whose career centered on the never-ending challenge of keeping house, while feeding and nurturing the family, (they were called “housewives” in my generation....the indispensable link in creating a real family), the retirement dilemma I describe has the ring of false distinctions and cosmetic change....like the same old play being performed on a new stage. (In Family Matters I tell the story of such a couple who are unable to agree on their retirement dreams.)

    Yet, within the confines of those relational realities, October life leaves prospective retirees, the ones contemplating that lifestyle change, with an elemental set of choices....deciding how to use the time their new status will provide. 

    Though it may sound like the least of our worries, using that time productively can be a serious challenge. The fortunate ones began their preparation years before....cultivating interests and capabilities that will help them adapt when the structures and strictures of employment are removed. The rest of us, the unprepared, are left to deal with the burden of empty, unstructured days.

    As you can guess, the giddy exhilaration of sleeping in every morning soon wears off. That’s where the real test begins. Without a plan, retirement can quickly become a matter of empty days waiting to be filled. But how....with what?

    Without those answers that new lifestyle will have the feel of a clean slate or, if you are a writer, a blank page. No matter how you describe it, at that point your new “retirement” job will include filling in those blanks.

      For some the most conventional wisdom about retirement is about finding that “something” which draws them beyond themselves. In my case the answer seemed to be just the opposite. I was pulled deeper within myself, making sense of the stories I was telling. Yet, no matter where it takes you, the right retirement answer for you is bound to be a very personal thing. 

     Whatever it turns out to be, I happen to believe that the right “something” is waiting out there, in one form or another, for everyone. If that is so, it is a matter of exploring the possibilities to find what works for you.

    Looking back, I realize that I started my own search for a viable retirement lifestyle with only the vaguest notion of what I was looking for. I wanted something I could look forward to doing....a reason to get up each morning. Ideally it would provide an opportunity for the creative expression I had never found in my work. 

    Fact is, my initial efforts were timid and half-hearted....and the results bland and uninspiring. Finally, as my frustration in not making a connection grew, I convinced myself it was time to be bold, to take a chance, even risk failure.... the kind of behavior rarely expected from a school administrator. 

    But things were different this time. If my work, whatever it might be, pleased others that was fine. But in the end I intended to do what I wanted to do, and be the primary judge of my sometimes dubious results. I finally turned the corner when I accepted the truth of it. I didn’t need to satisfy anyone else.... only myself.

    That I finally stumbled onto what worked for me was a matter of “try, try again.” By then I realized that Roma’s gardening did not suit me, I couldn’t get interested in woodworking, and it was hard to get excited about something as pathetic as my golf game. 

  Not until I came across a thirty-year old manuscript, a story I had written and set aside, did it dawn on me that perhaps I had found my retirement calling. I had walked that storytelling path before. And though it had not suited me as a younger man. This time around it seemed to be a fit.

    In time story telling and blogging would help fill my personal retirement void, taking me places I never expected to visit. Today’s technology makes that possible. No wonder I have a hard time getting my mind around the reality of this internet world. How else could these geriatric ramblings of mine be read from Maine to Alaska and beyond. 

    Take it from someone who very nearly flunked retirement....it can be a daunting challenge....one that requires serious attention. Many of us will begin the process with grand ideas of how it will be, but precious little experience in actually living that new life. 

     Still, we mustn’t be intimidated. Having waited a lifetime to get here, we must work to make retirement a liberating experience. For perhaps the last time in our life we will have the opportunity to choose our own future. 

    The goal is simple enough....to settle on a life and lifestyle that suits us, that holds our interest, and helps us continue the never-ending process of Becoming. No matter what path we choose, it deserves the best effort we can muster. After all, it’s the rest of our life we’re talking about.